I had my 24 week OB appointment today. At this point in my pregnancy, I don't get nervous before my appointments. I did a lot in the beginning, but I can feel the baby move all the time, so I know he's in there and doing fine.
However, today my doctor walked into the room and she had another woman, a medical student, with her who was pretty much just observing today. I think this probably wouldn't affect most people, but it did affect me. Because the one other time that a med student has accompanied my doctor was the worst day of my life. It was the day we went in for our first ultrasound for our first sweet baby and saw an empty sac on the screen.
The second I saw that other person in the room today, my mind went back to January 26, 2011. Now, in my head, I knew that everything was fine with my baby, but a part of me couldn't help but freak out a little on the inside. Like having a med student in my OB room is bad luck or something.
Of course, everything was fine. Baby's heartbeat was strong and I have been feeling him move all day long. But I just couldn't help that mini freak out. It doesn't really make sense, but neither did my miscarriage. There will always be events that bring me back to that day, that time in my life, and they can be really difficult sometimes. Even though I have Leland and this precious one on the way, I am still sad sometimes. Obviously, everything turned out the way it should, but that doesn't take away the hurt. And sometimes the hurt comes out of nowhere.
Thankfully, I was quickly distracted by talking about this baby and hearing his heartbeat. That sound is the most wonderful in the land, and certainly calmed my mini freak out.
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Friday, July 12, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Two Years...
Two years ago today, I got the worst news a mama-to-be can ever hear and became a part of the club that no one wants to join. I shared the events of that day and all the days that followed on my blog. However, since I started this new blog a few months after that, I wanted to share the story on this blog as well.
This is not meant to be a downer post, but just to share a major event in my life. When I started this blog {when I announced my pregnancy with Leland}, I wanted a fresh start. My old blog had become a place filled with sadness and I didn't want to be seen as "the sad girl" anymore. I am not shy or embarrassed about what I have experienced or about my sadness, but I don't want it to define me. At the same time, though, I don't want to ignore or forget about it either.
So anyway...
On January 26th, 2011, Dave and I were filled with excitement as we drove to my OB/GYN for my 11 week ultrasound. I couldn't believe that my dream of becoming a mom was coming true - I had waited for this day forever.
We got to the office and I did the whole pee-in-a-cup, get weighed, talk to the nurse, etc. thing. Then we waited a little while longer for the doctor. Dr. Morreale came in and took down my health history. With each question, she would say, "Oh, good!" or "Great!" This, of course, made me ecstatic that everything sounded great about my pregnancy. She also said that my hCG {pregnancy hormone} levels were right where they should be.
Then came the moment I was waiting for. I was FINALLY going to see my baby on the ultrasound! But we didn't see what we expected. I immediately knew something was wrong. I know what an ultrasound is supposed to look like, thanks to all my mommy friends on facebook, and this wasn't right.
What I saw was my uterus and a gestational sac. An empty gestational sac. There was no baby. No heartbeat. No nothing. Dave, however, probably didn't know right away that there was something wrong. Dr. Morreale explained it all to us right then while she measured the sac.
Apparently, I had miscarried very early in my pregnancy, and my body absorbed the embryo. My body didn't pick up on the fact that there was no baby and the sac kept growing. That day, it measured as an 11 week sac. I had all the normal pregnancy symptoms and was even showing, which is really pretty crappy. So, I was pregnant still; just without an actual baby.
I somehow managed to hold my composure during most of our talk with Dr. Morreale. Of course, tears were shed, but I was able to listen to her and ask questions. When she left the room, I stood up to get dressed and immediately broke down. I fell to the floor, sobbing - I'm sure the people in the room next door were totally freaked out by the noises coming from our room. Dave picked me up and held me as we both cried. It took us a long time to get ready to leave.
I was instructed to come back the following week to have another ultrasound if I didn't pass the sac on my own.
The rest of that day, Dave and I just laid around the house. We barely said anything. Dave tried to talk to me about it, but I couldn't.
That next week was torture. I still felt pregnant. I had morning sickness, I was exhausted, and none of my clothes fit me. Emotionally, I was a mess. I went to work and was able to get through my days okay. My students were great distractions from my sadness during the day. But at night, I was alone with my thoughts and I pretty much just cried all the time.
At my appoinment, my second ultrasound showed that the sac had continued to grow, and still looked healthy and "perfect" (minus the baby). Dr. Morreale said that eventually my body would pass it, but she wanted to see me every week until it did. I decided to schedule a D&C for that weekend. I would have preferred to pass the sac on my own, but I just needed it to be over. I couldn't handle being in limbo anymore; feeling pregnant, but not actually BEING pregnant.
So I had my D&C, which was more emotional than I expected. When it was over, I just felt empty, physically and emotionally. A few days later, my best friend at the time had her baby boy. In some ways, this was helpful. I was happy for her and it was nice to focus my thoughts on being there for her while her son was in the NICU. But in some ways, this made me feel worse. I needed a friend {besides Dave} to talk to, but didn't feel comfortable talking to her; she had enough on her plate.
For the next few days, weeks, and months, I was not a fun person to be around. I tried to be happy, but my heart was just sad. I didn't know if I would ever be happy again. I think I must have hidden it well, because everyone told me how well I was doing and how I handled everything with such grace. But inside I did not feel like myself; I was a mess.
Then, a few months later, on June 1, 2011, I saw the most beautiful two pink lines ever. I was pregnant again! Then three weeks after that, I was able to see my sweet Leland on that ultrasound screen. And ever since then, my life has been filled with joy and happiness.
Like I said, this post is not meant to be a downer, but even two years and one precious baby boy later, the memories of that day sting as if it happened yesterday. When I think about that day, I still get incredibly sad. I don't think the sadness is even about the loss anymore. It's more like when I think about that day, I relive the emotions of that time, and it's really hard. And sometimes, in order to get through those thoughts, I need to write about them.
This is not meant to be a downer post, but just to share a major event in my life. When I started this blog {when I announced my pregnancy with Leland}, I wanted a fresh start. My old blog had become a place filled with sadness and I didn't want to be seen as "the sad girl" anymore. I am not shy or embarrassed about what I have experienced or about my sadness, but I don't want it to define me. At the same time, though, I don't want to ignore or forget about it either.
So anyway...
On January 26th, 2011, Dave and I were filled with excitement as we drove to my OB/GYN for my 11 week ultrasound. I couldn't believe that my dream of becoming a mom was coming true - I had waited for this day forever.
We got to the office and I did the whole pee-in-a-cup, get weighed, talk to the nurse, etc. thing. Then we waited a little while longer for the doctor. Dr. Morreale came in and took down my health history. With each question, she would say, "Oh, good!" or "Great!" This, of course, made me ecstatic that everything sounded great about my pregnancy. She also said that my hCG {pregnancy hormone} levels were right where they should be.
Then came the moment I was waiting for. I was FINALLY going to see my baby on the ultrasound! But we didn't see what we expected. I immediately knew something was wrong. I know what an ultrasound is supposed to look like, thanks to all my mommy friends on facebook, and this wasn't right.
What I saw was my uterus and a gestational sac. An empty gestational sac. There was no baby. No heartbeat. No nothing. Dave, however, probably didn't know right away that there was something wrong. Dr. Morreale explained it all to us right then while she measured the sac.
Apparently, I had miscarried very early in my pregnancy, and my body absorbed the embryo. My body didn't pick up on the fact that there was no baby and the sac kept growing. That day, it measured as an 11 week sac. I had all the normal pregnancy symptoms and was even showing, which is really pretty crappy. So, I was pregnant still; just without an actual baby.
I somehow managed to hold my composure during most of our talk with Dr. Morreale. Of course, tears were shed, but I was able to listen to her and ask questions. When she left the room, I stood up to get dressed and immediately broke down. I fell to the floor, sobbing - I'm sure the people in the room next door were totally freaked out by the noises coming from our room. Dave picked me up and held me as we both cried. It took us a long time to get ready to leave.
I was instructed to come back the following week to have another ultrasound if I didn't pass the sac on my own.
The rest of that day, Dave and I just laid around the house. We barely said anything. Dave tried to talk to me about it, but I couldn't.
That next week was torture. I still felt pregnant. I had morning sickness, I was exhausted, and none of my clothes fit me. Emotionally, I was a mess. I went to work and was able to get through my days okay. My students were great distractions from my sadness during the day. But at night, I was alone with my thoughts and I pretty much just cried all the time.
At my appoinment, my second ultrasound showed that the sac had continued to grow, and still looked healthy and "perfect" (minus the baby). Dr. Morreale said that eventually my body would pass it, but she wanted to see me every week until it did. I decided to schedule a D&C for that weekend. I would have preferred to pass the sac on my own, but I just needed it to be over. I couldn't handle being in limbo anymore; feeling pregnant, but not actually BEING pregnant.
So I had my D&C, which was more emotional than I expected. When it was over, I just felt empty, physically and emotionally. A few days later, my best friend at the time had her baby boy. In some ways, this was helpful. I was happy for her and it was nice to focus my thoughts on being there for her while her son was in the NICU. But in some ways, this made me feel worse. I needed a friend {besides Dave} to talk to, but didn't feel comfortable talking to her; she had enough on her plate.
For the next few days, weeks, and months, I was not a fun person to be around. I tried to be happy, but my heart was just sad. I didn't know if I would ever be happy again. I think I must have hidden it well, because everyone told me how well I was doing and how I handled everything with such grace. But inside I did not feel like myself; I was a mess.
Then, a few months later, on June 1, 2011, I saw the most beautiful two pink lines ever. I was pregnant again! Then three weeks after that, I was able to see my sweet Leland on that ultrasound screen. And ever since then, my life has been filled with joy and happiness.
Like I said, this post is not meant to be a downer, but even two years and one precious baby boy later, the memories of that day sting as if it happened yesterday. When I think about that day, I still get incredibly sad. I don't think the sadness is even about the loss anymore. It's more like when I think about that day, I relive the emotions of that time, and it's really hard. And sometimes, in order to get through those thoughts, I need to write about them.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Difference A Year Can Make..
One year ago today, Dave and I had our first ever ultrasound. I was 11 weeks pregnant and our lives were full of excitement.
However, the ultrasound didn't go as we had hoped; it showed an empty gestational sac, or blighted ovum. Our doctor explained that we had a fertilized egg, but that I had miscarried early and my body never quite got the hint so the sac kept growing. After another week and a half, it was still growing, so I had to have a D&C.
That day and the following days, weeks, and months were the worst of my life. I was devastated, and although I found comfort in my faith, I thought I would never be happy again. I continued to go to work and family functions and everything I did before the miscarriage, but I was not myself. I was unhappy and honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life that way.
When I found out I was pregnant again in June, I was excited, but also terrified that I would miscarry again. When my pregnancy progressed into the second trimester, I felt some relief, but was still nervous. I spent much of my pregnancy worrying. Not many people know that, but much of my pregnancy was spent worrying if the baby I was carrying was still alive, worrying that I would miscarry or that he would be stillborn.
As thrilled as I was to be expecting a baby, I still wasn't quite myself. Talking about my pregnancy with some people made me uncomfortable. I still put on a fake smile quite often. I was happier than before, but not happy yet.
My miscarriage turned my entire world upside down. For almost an entire year, I plastered on my fake smiles and prayed with all my might that things would be ok. And now, one year later, by the grace of God, things are ok.
Today, one year after that devastating day, I sit and stare at my precious baby boy, and I finally feel like myself again. I have a permanent smile on my face, and I don't have to fake it.
I am me again. I am happy again. And I can't put into words how wonderful that feels.
What a difference a year makes.
I took this picture the day of our ultrasound.
However, the ultrasound didn't go as we had hoped; it showed an empty gestational sac, or blighted ovum. Our doctor explained that we had a fertilized egg, but that I had miscarried early and my body never quite got the hint so the sac kept growing. After another week and a half, it was still growing, so I had to have a D&C.
That day and the following days, weeks, and months were the worst of my life. I was devastated, and although I found comfort in my faith, I thought I would never be happy again. I continued to go to work and family functions and everything I did before the miscarriage, but I was not myself. I was unhappy and honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life that way.
When I found out I was pregnant again in June, I was excited, but also terrified that I would miscarry again. When my pregnancy progressed into the second trimester, I felt some relief, but was still nervous. I spent much of my pregnancy worrying. Not many people know that, but much of my pregnancy was spent worrying if the baby I was carrying was still alive, worrying that I would miscarry or that he would be stillborn.
As thrilled as I was to be expecting a baby, I still wasn't quite myself. Talking about my pregnancy with some people made me uncomfortable. I still put on a fake smile quite often. I was happier than before, but not happy yet.
My miscarriage turned my entire world upside down. For almost an entire year, I plastered on my fake smiles and prayed with all my might that things would be ok. And now, one year later, by the grace of God, things are ok.
Today, one year after that devastating day, I sit and stare at my precious baby boy, and I finally feel like myself again. I have a permanent smile on my face, and I don't have to fake it.
I am me again. I am happy again. And I can't put into words how wonderful that feels.
What a difference a year makes.
"For I know the plans I have for you are good. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Saturday, December 17, 2011
August...
I recently learned that another one of my family members is expecting a baby. In case you haven't been following along, I have four siblings. Three of them, plus myself, are expecting babies. And all pretty much eight weeks apart from each other. So, yes, that means four out of five kids in my family are pregnant. Wow.
My initial thought was something like Oh, geez. I don't think they're ready for another one.
And then I thought Well, ready or not, here it comes. I guess it will be kind of fun for all of us to be pregnant together and for our kids to be so close in age. Plus, I never complain about another baby to snuggle. Babies are gifts from God - all of them.
And then I found out when she is due.
August.
I can't deny that a little piece of my heart broke. I was due in August of this year. No one else in our families had August babies - August was my month.
I must say that I was surprised to feel this way. This sadness came out of nowhere. I mean, I am weeks away from giving birth to my precious baby boy. My life is all puppies and rainbows right now. What do I care that someone else is having a baby in August? My boy will be here way before that.
I can't explain it. It's just a weird feeling that came over me pretty suddenly. Like my first pregnancy is really over. Yes, it's been over for almost a year now, but I guess part of me hoped that I would still one day have that August baby. And now it won't be "my" month anymore.
Now, do I think that I own the month of August? No. Am I saying that no one else in our families can ever have August babies? No. Am I angry? Heck no.
I guess it's just part of the grieving process, which I'm starting to realize is neverending. I don't think it will ever go away. I still have things that remind me of my first pregnancy - not that I ever want to forget it, but I don't want to feel sad anymore. Especially when I don't see it coming; ambush sadness is a tricky thing.
I am happy to say that I am feeling better. I am not jealous of this person or sad about the due date anymore. It was a few days of brief sadness when I would think about it, but at this point, I am just focused on the excitement ahead. I'm going to have a baby in seven-ish weeks! And that is nothing to be sad about.
My initial thought was something like Oh, geez. I don't think they're ready for another one.
And then I thought Well, ready or not, here it comes. I guess it will be kind of fun for all of us to be pregnant together and for our kids to be so close in age. Plus, I never complain about another baby to snuggle. Babies are gifts from God - all of them.
And then I found out when she is due.
August.
I can't deny that a little piece of my heart broke. I was due in August of this year. No one else in our families had August babies - August was my month.
I must say that I was surprised to feel this way. This sadness came out of nowhere. I mean, I am weeks away from giving birth to my precious baby boy. My life is all puppies and rainbows right now. What do I care that someone else is having a baby in August? My boy will be here way before that.
I can't explain it. It's just a weird feeling that came over me pretty suddenly. Like my first pregnancy is really over. Yes, it's been over for almost a year now, but I guess part of me hoped that I would still one day have that August baby. And now it won't be "my" month anymore.
Now, do I think that I own the month of August? No. Am I saying that no one else in our families can ever have August babies? No. Am I angry? Heck no.
I guess it's just part of the grieving process, which I'm starting to realize is neverending. I don't think it will ever go away. I still have things that remind me of my first pregnancy - not that I ever want to forget it, but I don't want to feel sad anymore. Especially when I don't see it coming; ambush sadness is a tricky thing.
I am happy to say that I am feeling better. I am not jealous of this person or sad about the due date anymore. It was a few days of brief sadness when I would think about it, but at this point, I am just focused on the excitement ahead. I'm going to have a baby in seven-ish weeks! And that is nothing to be sad about.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Today...
Today - August 17, 2011 - is the day Baby Nowak was due to arrive.
While I am moving on and excited to be expecting Baby Nowak #2, I will never forget this day or my first precious baby.
This song reminds me of our sweet baby that we never got to meet, and it has been on the radio a lot lately.
For some reason, I can't post the video from youtube, but you can click here to see it.
Why did she have to go
As sad as I am that this baby left us too soon, the chorus reminds me that I will see him or her one day in Heaven. I rejoice in knowing that he or she is in the arms of Jesus until I get there and I don't have to worry.
Also, the second verse explains pretty much exactly how I feel/felt about our baby. I feel left behind and I have felt lost at times and that I wasn't living but just going through the motions each day. I am not angry anymore, because I know that this was part of God's plan. But I was definitely angry for a long time. I don't think I was ever angry at God, but angry at the situation, and angry at just about every pregnant person I saw for months.
Like I said, I will never forget this day or its significance in my life. I am thankful that today I have something to look forward to {my current pregnancy and baby #2}, or else I'm not sure I would be able to get through it.
While I am moving on and excited to be expecting Baby Nowak #2, I will never forget this day or my first precious baby.
This song reminds me of our sweet baby that we never got to meet, and it has been on the radio a lot lately.
For some reason, I can't post the video from youtube, but you can click here to see it.
Sissy's Song
by Alan Jackson
Why did she have to go
So young, I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason, without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me
Things happen half the time
Without reason, without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me
As sad as I am that this baby left us too soon, the chorus reminds me that I will see him or her one day in Heaven. I rejoice in knowing that he or she is in the arms of Jesus until I get there and I don't have to worry.
Also, the second verse explains pretty much exactly how I feel/felt about our baby. I feel left behind and I have felt lost at times and that I wasn't living but just going through the motions each day. I am not angry anymore, because I know that this was part of God's plan. But I was definitely angry for a long time. I don't think I was ever angry at God, but angry at the situation, and angry at just about every pregnant person I saw for months.
Like I said, I will never forget this day or its significance in my life. I am thankful that today I have something to look forward to {my current pregnancy and baby #2}, or else I'm not sure I would be able to get through it.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Stupid Club...
In the last few weeks, a couple of friends and acquaintances of mine have lost sweet babies. They have now become part of the worst "club" ever - the club no one wants to join or be a part of in any way; the baby loss club.
Everytime I hear of a friend {or even someone I'm not even close to} losing a baby, my heart just breaks. I remember all too well the feelings I experienced in those first few days and weeks, and I am still hurting immensely over my own loss. It is the worst thing in the world to go through, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I remember thinking for weeks and months after our loss that there had to be something we could do to make it better. There had to be some doctor who could make a baby appear in my uterus and take away all the hurt. It seems silly; trust me, I know. But it's just how the brain works {or mine, anyway}. When your car breaks, you take it to a mechanic and they fix it. When something in your house breaks, you call your heating or plumbing guy {or your husband} and they fix it. When you get a cavity, you go to the Dentist and they fix it. So my brain just couldn't get around the fact that no one could fix this. No one could fix my body and make a baby appear. But I would still every so often get that thought every so often - Who can I call to fix this?
It sucked feeling so helpless and knowing that I just had to wait to have a baby. I felt like I had waited long enough. Dave and I were married for 6 years when we got pregnant with our first sweet baby. That's a long time, especially when all I've wanted my whole life was to have a baby. But I had to wait- wait to graduate college, wait to get a job, then wait to get a better job. I had waited enough, and now I had to wait more and deal with the absolute devastation of loss? It just didn't seem fair or real. For a long time I would cry and cry and think This can't be my life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We're ready! Why didn't this work out?
After my miscarriage, I was filled with so many questions. Mostly why. Why did this happen? Why don't I get to keep my baby? Why does everyone else get to have a baby without even trying? Why do teenage girls get pregnant so easily and go and have healthy babies? Why do people who don't even want kids {or don't want them right now} get to have babies and I don't? We got married, we waited until we were emotionally and financially ready to start a family, we wanted that baby more than anything, and we loved it with our whole hearts before it was ever created. Yet, we didn't get to keep it.
I still don't understand miscarriage. I still mourn the loss of our baby. I still remember that it was due in just a few days - August 17, 2011. I still wish I were having a baby in just a few days. I still think miscarriage is the stupidest thing ever.
And I am so, so sad for anyone who has to go through the whole sucky thing. It's painful, horrible, confusing, frustrating, devastating, and just plain stupid all around.
Everytime I hear of a friend {or even someone I'm not even close to} losing a baby, my heart just breaks. I remember all too well the feelings I experienced in those first few days and weeks, and I am still hurting immensely over my own loss. It is the worst thing in the world to go through, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I remember thinking for weeks and months after our loss that there had to be something we could do to make it better. There had to be some doctor who could make a baby appear in my uterus and take away all the hurt. It seems silly; trust me, I know. But it's just how the brain works {or mine, anyway}. When your car breaks, you take it to a mechanic and they fix it. When something in your house breaks, you call your heating or plumbing guy {or your husband} and they fix it. When you get a cavity, you go to the Dentist and they fix it. So my brain just couldn't get around the fact that no one could fix this. No one could fix my body and make a baby appear. But I would still every so often get that thought every so often - Who can I call to fix this?
It sucked feeling so helpless and knowing that I just had to wait to have a baby. I felt like I had waited long enough. Dave and I were married for 6 years when we got pregnant with our first sweet baby. That's a long time, especially when all I've wanted my whole life was to have a baby. But I had to wait- wait to graduate college, wait to get a job, then wait to get a better job. I had waited enough, and now I had to wait more and deal with the absolute devastation of loss? It just didn't seem fair or real. For a long time I would cry and cry and think This can't be my life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We're ready! Why didn't this work out?
After my miscarriage, I was filled with so many questions. Mostly why. Why did this happen? Why don't I get to keep my baby? Why does everyone else get to have a baby without even trying? Why do teenage girls get pregnant so easily and go and have healthy babies? Why do people who don't even want kids {or don't want them right now} get to have babies and I don't? We got married, we waited until we were emotionally and financially ready to start a family, we wanted that baby more than anything, and we loved it with our whole hearts before it was ever created. Yet, we didn't get to keep it.
I still don't understand miscarriage. I still mourn the loss of our baby. I still remember that it was due in just a few days - August 17, 2011. I still wish I were having a baby in just a few days. I still think miscarriage is the stupidest thing ever.
And I am so, so sad for anyone who has to go through the whole sucky thing. It's painful, horrible, confusing, frustrating, devastating, and just plain stupid all around.
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