Appointment....

I had my appointment today and got to hear my little babe's heartbeat again. It is the most amazing sound - I could listen to it all day long.

Everything went well. My doctor said I have gained 4 pounds since my first appointment, so my estimate of 6 pounds overall is probably accurate. My blood pressure was lower than usual {I am usually a perfect 120/80, and today I was 90/50}, but Dr. Morreale said that blood pressure is usually lower at this time in pregnancy, and I'm still in the normal range.

The heart rate was 150bpm. It was 160bpm at my last appointment...could the lower number mean a boy is on the way? We'll find out Friday, September 16th!!! Can't wait for that! It's only 2 weeks from Friday!

Easy Chicken Enchiladas...

I got this recipe several years ago from Dave's mom, who got it from her mother-in-law. It's super easy and so yummy! It is definitely a favorite in our house! While they're called enchiladas, they're not really "authentic" Mexican food, so don't expect them to be like a Mexican restaurant. But they still taste good.

On my last day with Ella this summer, she and I made this recipe together for her parents to have for dinner. We wanted to give her mommy a night off from cooking, and Ella loves to help in the kitchen. Making it for Jim and Melinda made me really want it, so I made it at home tonight and thought I would share the recipe with all of you out there in blog land.

What you'll need:

• 1 package tortillas
• 1 Tbsp. margarine
• 1/2 C. onion, chopped
• 1 minced garlic clove
• 1 4oz. can diced green chilis, drained
• 1/2 C. sour cream for recipe, plus some to top enchiladas
• 1 can cream of chicken soup
• 2 chicken breasts, cooked, cut up
• Shredded cheese (I like the Mexican blend, but you can use whatever you want)
• 1/4 C. milk
• Salsa for topping

Directions:

Melt margarine, saute onion and garlic. Add green chilis, sour cream and soup. Mix thoroughly. Set aside 3/4 C. of sauce for topping. Stir chicken into remaining sauce and add about 1/2 C. of cheese. Warm tortillas, fill with chicken mix, roll up and place in 9x13 dish. Add milk to reserved sauce and pour over tortillas. Top with cheese (as little or as much as you want). Bake at 350 for 30-35 minutes, covered. I usually uncover for about the last 5 minutes.


Top with sour cream and salsa and enjoy!

17 weeks...

08.30.11 – 17 weeks

Our sweet lil babe is the size of an onion this week. Mama loves onions.

Feeling great this week! Tired from getting back on a schedule, but great. It’s amazing though how pregnancy, even this early, makes me feel so old. My ability to move is definitely less than before pregnancy, and I’m definitely moving slower these days. It’s rather comical to me how slow I walk and move around. Part of that has to do with lower back pain…I need to get into the chiropractor soon, but I keep forgetting to make the call.

I am officially only wearing maternity pants these days. I had one pair of jeans that I could still wear with a bella band, but it’s getting too tight. The maternity jeans, while they are super comfy and fit great right after they are washed, get stretched out throughout the day and start make me look a little frumpy. Dave calls me “dumpy butt” by the end of the day. With regular jeans, I can wear them for a few days without having to wash them, but not the maternity jeans. Plus, they fall down all the time. It’s rather annoying, but better than pants that are too tight.

I think I felt movement for the first time this last week. About three times during the week, I noticed what felt like one big gas bubble moving on my right side. It happened suddenly and lasted for only a second, so I had a hard time “analyzing” it. Like I said, I think it was movement, but I could be wrong, since I’m not really sure what movement feels like.

As food goes, I still love salad and fruit {this week, it’s apples}. There’s nothing else that I really want or crave lately, but I eat pretty much anything, except for meat. Chicken is ok if it’s cooked in something, but I can’t eat a big chunk of meat. I’m still eating greek yogurt, even though it’s not my favorite, and I’m drinking lots of water, as usual. I still wanted some Pepsi this week, but not as bad as last week, so I’ve stuck with water.

I think I have gained about 6-7 pounds so far. Last week, when I weighed myself, I was 6.5 pounds more than what I think my starting weight was. I definitely feel like my belly is growing the last couple of days. It's very itchy and feels very full and firm. I just feel bigger, even just compared to yesterday. I'm loving it!

I have an appointment tomorrow, and at that point, I get to schedule our BIG ultrasound! I’m pretty stinkin’ excited!

Thinking Positive...

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days; thinking about myself, friends, relationships with people, and the kind of person I want to be. In the last few weeks, I have noticed a big change in myself that I'm pretty excited about.

It's no secret that the first half of the year was beyond difficult for me. I was going through a lot and just was not happy with myself or my life. While those feelings were valid, and I am bound to have sad days, I never want to be that way again. Negativity, no matter how justified, just brings other people down, and they don't want to be around you. I don't want to be that person.

In the last few weeks, I have noticed myself thinking more positively and being a happier person overall. In my personal reflections, I realized that this is the person I want to be. I want to be happy and bubbly {like I used to be}, and I want people to enjoy being around me.

I have decided that, while last school year was...well...sucky for me, I am starting over. I am starting this year with a positive attitude. I am not holding a grudge against anyone who made the year difficult for me. I am not holding onto negative feelings. It's just not worth it. Last year is over, and it's time for a new beginning.

While this happiness has been coming over me for weeks, acknowledging my new beginning has made me even happier, and I feel even more excited about the coming school year.

Does this mean I can never have a sad or bad day? No, of course not. But I can have more good days than bad days. And I can try to be as positive as possible in spite of bad days.

It's amazing what positive thinking can do for you. Think about something that has brought negative feelings to you and just let it go. Make the decision to forget about it or turn it into something positive. That's my challenge to you, dear readers.

Pregnancy: 16 weeks

08.23.11 – 16 weeks

Four months pregnant! Wahooo!!!

I still feel like every week is some gigantic milestone. Last week, I was so excited to get to 15, because it seemed like such a big number. But then a few days later, I found myself thinking I can’t wait to get to 16. I start saying I’m “fifteen and half weeks pregnant” or “almost 16 weeks.” I can’t help it. I just can’t wait to be farther along and feel confident that this baby is sticking around and is strong and healthy. This week, my sweet lil’ pumpkin is approximately the size of an avocado {funny, cause I’ve been eating them quite a bit lately}.

I have been feeling great this week. A little tired now and then, but not bad. No nausea. Boobs don’t hurt. I’m just enjoying being pregnant {like I have been the entire time}.

I have been in maternity pants for a long time, but I think it’s just about time to start wearing maternity shirts, because many of my shirts are looking little short at times. I only own one maternity shirt, and I don’t own many longer shirts. Thankfully, I really won’t need many tops. Since I wear uniforms to school, I will only need a few to get me through the weekends and such.

Acne is still sticking around. Whatever. I don’t even care anymore. I’ll just have to start wearing makeup more often. I have never been big on makeup – I usually just wear eye makeup {sensitive skin}, but I’ll have to suck it up. I’ve been wearing makeup on my face when I know I’m going somewhere or will see someone I know and want to look somewhat decent. But some days, when it’s just me and Ella, I go completely without makeup. It’s kind of nice.

Loving salads and fruits still, and recently enjoying muffins. Still hate meat. My sweet tooth is returning. I’ve not only been craving some sweets, but they actually taste good too. Things I have wanted lately: m&m’s, peanut butter cups, brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and ice cream; however, I’ve only given in to the ice cream so far {and a few mini PB cups}.

Since I found out I was pregnant, I have not had a single sip of soda. I don’t want to drink it, because I know it’s not good for baby, and it’s not good for me either. I wasn’t really a big pop drinker before pregnancy anyway. I would have one when we would order lunch on Friday afternoons at school {Fridays are half days}, and when I went out to eat. It hasn’t been a big deal to give it up completely, and to be honest, I haven’t even wanted pop this whole pregnancy until this last Friday, when I went to work in my classroom. Something about being alone in my classroom on a Friday afternoon makes me want a Pepsi. I wanted one BAD, and I’ve wanted one every day since, but I haven’t given in. If I do give in to pop, it will only be to Squirt since it’s caffeine free. I love that Sprite and 7-Up are all natural and caffeine free, but I think they taste gross. The only pop I ever drink is Pepsi { or Coke if Pepsi is not available} or Squirt. So if I absolutely can’t make it, I’ll have a Squirt.

Next week is my check-up appointment! And then, at that time, I get to schedule my BIG ultrasound appointment. SOOOO excited!!!

Oh yeah, and one more weird dream last night. I dreamt that I gave birth to quadruplet boys. Yes, FOUR boys! And no one had any idea that it was more than one until they started coming. Crazy. All these dreams about multiple boys, but I still have a slight feeling it’s a girl. We shall see very soon.

Showering Baby...

Yesterday was Danielle's baby shower {Danielle is Dave's brother's girlfriend who is expecting a little girl in November}.

Jon and Danielle found out they were pregnant shortly after Dave and I learned that I had miscarried Baby Nowak #1. They announced it to family about four or five weeks after my D&C. It was a very difficult time for me. It felt like I had been punched in the gut. I was still grieving the loss of my pregnancy and hoping to get pregnant again right away and along comes Danielle who gets pregnant without even trying. To say I had hard time dealing with it does not even remotely explain how I felt.

To be honest, I have been jealous of them since that day. While I prayed for them and wished good things for them, I have hated hearing their baby news. Hated talking about it. Hated trying to hide my pain {which I don't think I ever hid it very well}.

I wasn't incredibly thrilled about going to the baby shower, but I went with a smile on my face and I even had fun. And then, something changed. It took me a long time to get here, and I honestly wasn't sure I ever would get here, but I am excited for this baby girl. I don't feel jealous anymore. I am happy for them and can't wait to meet my niece. Something about the baby shower brought these positive feelings, and I am so thankful to no longer harbor such negativity about Jon and Danielle and their baby.

I took a lot of pictures at the shower, so enjoy just a few.

This cake was SOOO thick! But so yummy!

Cake table

Food...I love food.

Jon and Danielle

Nephews Jake and Luke {Dave sister April's kids}

Joel and Luke {Joel is April's husband}

Jon and Danielle are super athletic. Both played sports in college {Jon played soccer, and Danielle played basketball...and they both played both sports in high school}. So this pink basketball is pretty perfect. They also got a pink soccer ball.

Danielle with Jon's mom {my mother-in-law}

Danielle with her mom

Danielle with both grandmas

Jon and Danielle and the grandmas

The Nowak girls...Laura, Danielle, me, and April

Danielle and Laura with the quilt Laura made for baby

Two pregnant chicks

Hi-ho, hi-ho...

...It's back to work I go.

I don't officially have to report back to school until August 29, but I signed up to attend a Choice Theory training starting next Wednesday {Choice Theory is the model that our school is based on, so I thought it would be helpful to get some more training. Plus, they pay us for it}. That leaves me only a couple of days for uninterrupted work in my classroom, so I headed back today.

I worked for about five hours in my room today. It wasn't all uninterrupted, as many others were setting up today as well, so I visited quite a bit too. But I managed to unpack almost all of my boxes, wash all of the new silverware {so that we don't waste so much by using plasticware this year}, and got my new computer set up. Okay, so I didn't set up the computer, our tech guy did, but it's set up and brand new nonetheless.

I had planned to stay until around 5:00 today, but had to leave because the rest of the stuff I need to do involves heavy lifting. My co-workers and custodians all volunteered to help me move stuff today, but I wasn't sure where I wanted everything, and most people left at around 1:00. So I shall have to ask my own personal muscle man to move stuff for me tomorrow. He'll do it for me, because if he doesn't, I might not pack his lunches anymore. And because he loves me. And because I'm carrying his child.

I fully admit that I am a weirdo, but I am excited about the beginning of the school year. While I'm not thrilled about early mornings, I love back to school time! I can't wait to see my class list, meet my new students, see my returning students again, and have my new room all set up.

I know that some of you readers are thinking "Just wait until next year. That will all change when you have a little one." And while I agree that being away from my baby after a full summer home with him or her will be tough, I have a feeling that I will still get all giddy about new school supplies. It's just who I am.

We win!

Last week, I posted about Good Morning America's search for the Most Beautiful Place in America.

Well, the results are in and...

WE WIN!

That's right...the Sleeping Bear Dunes national lakeshore has been voted the 'Most Beautiful Place in America.' You can see more videos about it by visiting the link below.

Sleeping Bear Dunes, Michigan Voted Good Morning America's 'Most Beautiful Place' - ABC News

I mentioned in my other post as well that our local ice cream shop, Moomers, won GMA's contest a couple of years ago for "America's Best Scoop." Now, I always knew that these places are wonderful and amazing, but I didn't realize so many others would agree. After all, everyone is bias and thinks their hometown is something special, but I have to say mine is definitely the best. I am so blessed to call this beautiful place my home for all of my twenty-seven years. There's just nothing like it.

Today...

Today - August 17, 2011 - is the day Baby Nowak was due to arrive.

While I am moving on and excited to be expecting Baby Nowak #2, I will never forget this day or my first precious baby.

This song reminds me of our sweet baby that we never got to meet, and it has been on the radio a lot lately.

For some reason, I can't post the video from youtube, but you can click here to see it.

Sissy's Song

by Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go

So young, I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason, without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe


She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me


Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe


She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me


It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause


She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

As sad as I am that this baby left us too soon, the chorus reminds me that I will see him or her one day in Heaven. I rejoice in knowing that he or she is in the arms of Jesus until I get there and I don't have to worry.

Also, the second verse explains pretty much exactly how I feel/felt about our baby. I feel left behind and I have felt lost at times and that I wasn't living but just going through the motions each day. I am not angry anymore, because I know that this was part of God's plan. But I was definitely angry for a long time. I don't think I was ever angry at God, but angry at the situation, and angry at just about every pregnant person I saw for months.

Like I said, I will never forget this day or its significance in my life. I am thankful that today I have something to look forward to {my current pregnancy and baby #2}, or else I'm not sure I would be able to get through it.

Pregnancy: 15 weeks

08.16.11 – 15 weeks

The picture is a little blurry. I'm hoping that by next week, I have my remote so I can take these pregnancy pictures a little easier. 

Sleep has been much better the last few days. I haven’t had my afternoon naps, which probably helps. And it’s been a little easier to get comfortable. Thank goodness! Hopefully this keeps up so that my sleep isn’t all screwy when school starts. I have serious anxiety about getting enough sleep when I have to be at school the next day. 

I am still loving salads and salt and vinegar chips. Also enjoying fruit and avocados. Yum! 

Last week’s clearer acne may have just been a fluke. I have another giant pimple coming through and it hurts! Oh well, at least I had a break for a week. Maybe it will still improve as I get farther into my pregnancy. While my face seems more oily, I have noticed since I’ve been pregnant that my hair is a lot less oily. I have always been envious of women that can go a day without washing, but I have never been able to. Even with dry shampoo, my hair gets super oily if I don’t wash it for a day. But this summer that hasn’t been a problem. I have been able to wash every other day all summer, which is so nice because I hate drying my hair every morning. It takes forever! Also, my hair is growing super duper fast!

I have experienced round ligament pains fairly often. It’s a sudden sharp pain in my lower abdomen. It happens when I’m sitting or lying down and stand up quickly, and every time I sneeze {which happens a lot lately, leading me to wonder if there is such a thing as gestational allergies}. It’s a very startling feeling, but my doctor said this is totally normal, and I shouldn’t be concerned as long as there is no bleeding.

Some days my boobs are super sore, and some days they're fine. The other day I had unfortunate incident where I dropped a mini ironing board and the bottom of it scraped along the entire front of my body. I thought I was going to die {or at least never be able to nurse our baby}.

I have been looking around for a nursery furniture set. I have a clear picture in my mind of what I want, and also a clear picture of how much we want to spend. These two pictures don’t always match up. The idea of getting things at consignment shops and garage sales is great; I would love to get everything we need for less. However, I am not your normal girl, as I detest shopping from store to store. I prefer to get everything in one place. It’s been difficult to find a set that I love {with all the matching pieces I want} for a price that I love as well. But I think I finally found one! I’m pretty excited. 

I have also been looking at strollers. I have been pretty set on the BOB Revolution jogging stroller for a while. Dave’s sisters both have one and I really like it, and it has everything I am looking for in a stroller. However, being the cheap money saving girl that I am, I am not loving the price. I have looked at other comparable strollers, but I just don’t like them as much as the BOB. I have looked on craigslist and such for used ones, but with nice strollers, people don’t usually get rid of them for quite a while. I’ll keep looking around, but I think my best bet will be to buy it close to the end of the year when the 2011 models may be on sale. I thought about just settling on a different stroller, but I know that I want to jog with it, and I know that it needs to last me a long time {hopefully 3 kids, if God allows us to have that many}. Because I know that the BOB is sturdy and will last a long time {Joel and April have had theirs for nearly four years with two kids and it’s still in great condition}, it won’t bother me too much if we have to pay full price. Well, it will bother me, but I’ll get over it. We shall see what happens. 

One last thing that I’m not sure I’ve shared before. The crazy dreams have been in full force pretty much my entire pregnancy. The other night, I had a very vivid dream that I went into labor like right now, but was 25 weeks along {still much earlier than I’d like}. In my dream, we were expecting a baby girl, but instead we had twin boys, and even though they were early, they were full-term sized babies. I must have had a c-section in the dream, because I was in an operating room. I was holding one baby while they were weighing and bathing the other, and the baby I was holding turned blue – like smurf blue – but it was totally fine. No one was concerned and the baby was sitting there smiling at me {yes, smiling minutes after birth}. The baby was super cute, before it turned blue, and had lots of dark hair. I woke up smiling because even though my baby was a smurf, it was a healthy baby that I got to hold. It was such a weird dream, and so vivid! But I have to say, not the weirdest dream I’ve had this pregnancy.

Oh yeah, and baby is about the size of an apple. :)

Pizza Calzones...

It's no secret that Dave and I are big pizza fans. One of our favorite meals that I make is pizza calzones. I made them tonight, and thought I'd share my "recipe."

What You'll Need:

• frozen pizza dough, thawed
• pizza sauce {we like the squeezable pizza sauce, because we never use an entire can, so this way we don't throw any away}
• mozzarella cheese
• pizza toppings of your choice - our usual toppings are pepperoni {for Dave's, not mine...I'm not a pepperoni fan}, ham, green olives, onions, green peppers, and {when I'm not pregnant and love them} mushrooms
• Optional: butter/margarine, garlic salt, parmesan cheese

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
2. I separate the dough into four pieces so that the calzones aren't huge. Then it makes four smaller ones - Dave usually eats two and I eat one and have the other for lunch the next day. Roll dough out into circles {probably won't be perfect circles} and lay on greased cookie sheet.
3. Spread pizza sauce on half of each calzone {you can put as much sauce on as you want, but the more you put on, the messier your calzones will be and it may cause your cheese to spill out when baking}. Add cheese and desired toppings.
4. Fold each top {the plain side} over each calzone.
5. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until dough is baked through.
6. Melt butter and garlic salt in a bowl. Brush onto top of clazones and sprinkle with parmesan cheese.

We like to cut them in half and dip them in pizza sauce if there isn't enough on the calzones.

Add a salad on the side and you've got a quick, easy, yummy meal.

Stupid Club...

In the last few weeks, a couple of friends and acquaintances of mine have lost sweet babies. They have now become part of the worst "club" ever - the club no one wants to join or be a part of in any way; the baby loss club.

Everytime I hear of a friend {or even someone I'm not even close to} losing a baby, my heart just breaks. I remember all too well the feelings I experienced in those first few days and weeks, and I am still hurting immensely over my own loss. It is the worst thing in the world to go through, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.


I remember thinking for weeks and months after our loss that there had to be something we could do to make it better. There had to be some doctor who could make a baby appear in my uterus and take away all the hurt. It seems silly; trust me, I know. But it's just how the brain works {or mine, anyway}. When your car breaks, you take it to a mechanic and they fix it. When something in your house breaks, you call your heating or plumbing guy {or your husband} and they fix it. When you get a cavity, you go to the Dentist and they fix it. So my brain just couldn't get around the fact that no one could fix this. No one could fix my body and make a baby appear. But I would still every so often get that thought every so often - Who can I call to fix this?

It sucked feeling so helpless and knowing that I just had to wait to have a baby. I felt like I had waited long enough. Dave and I were married for 6 years when we got pregnant with our first sweet baby. That's a long time, especially when all I've wanted my whole life was to have a baby. But I had to wait- wait to graduate college, wait to get a job, then wait to get a better job. I had waited enough, and now I had to wait more and deal with the absolute devastation of loss? It just didn't seem fair or real. For a long time I would cry and cry and think This can't be my life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We're ready! Why didn't this work out?


After my miscarriage, I was filled with so many questions. Mostly why. Why did this happen? Why don't I get to keep my baby? Why does everyone else get to have a baby without even trying? Why do teenage girls get pregnant so easily and go and have healthy babies? Why do people who don't even want kids {or don't want them right now} get to have babies and I don't? We got married, we waited until we were emotionally and financially ready to start a family, we wanted that baby more than anything, and we loved it with our whole hearts before it was ever created. Yet, we didn't get to keep it.

I still don't understand miscarriage. I still mourn the loss of our baby. I still remember that it was due in just a few days - August 17, 2011. I still wish I were having a baby in just a few days. I still think miscarriage is the stupidest thing ever.

And I am so, so sad for anyone who has to go through the whole sucky thing. It's painful, horrible, confusing, frustrating, devastating, and just plain stupid all around.

A Quiltin' Kind of Day...

Waaaayyyy back in December, I started a quilting project. I posted updates on my progress on my old blog, but toward the end it just seemed sort of overwhelming and I haven't touched it since May/June. Well, since I had planned to give it to my mom, I thought I should try to get it done.

Today, I spent many, many hours sewing, and have finished the top! I still have to do the batting, the backing, and the binding around the outside {which is actually the part I like the least and it takes forever}. But the important part is that the top - the part people will actually see - is all done!

It's a little wrinkled, but you get the idea.

Some parts gave me some trouble, and many parts didn't line up quite right, but I'm pleased overall with how it turned out.

Top Ten Most Beautiful Places...

Not sure if any of you watch Good Morning America or not. I don't really {I prefer the Today Show}, but a recent story has highlighted one of my favorite local places to visit.

GMA has chosen the top ten most beautiful places in America and has named the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore as one of them. If you read my old blog, you may remember that I visited this beautiful place just last month. It is about a 45 minute to one hour drive from my house. It is one of my favorite places and I have visited it every year pretty much my entire life.

Here is the video clip of GMA visiting the Sleeping Bear Dunes. They also visited a place in California, which is first in the video. If you don't care for that part, skip ahead to 3:10 in the video.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/gma-beautiful-places-america-point-reyes-ca-sleeping-14262721

If you agree that the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore is a beautiful place, go vote for it here.

Maybe I should start watching GMA more. A few years ago, when they did the "Best Scoop in America," they named our local ice cream shop, Moomers, as the best scoop! How fun that my little town is getting so much national attention.

Girl Baby Album...

Next weekend is Jon and Danielle's baby shower {Jon is Dave's younger brother}. Their baby girl is due in November and is the first girl on the Nowak side. I made a scrapbook album for them for their shower.

I have made two baby albums before - one for my friend Jackie and one for Dave's sister Laura - but this is the first one for a girl. Danielle likes purple, so it was fun to make a girly purple album. They are using a jungle animal theme for her nursery, so it is still very similar to the other albums I made.

Here are a few pictures...

Danielle also likes zebra print.

I'm getting ready to make a second one for Laura {who just had little Isaac in July}. She wants the jungle animals too. I'm looking forward to making my own, so I can try a different theme. I'm planning to do turtles, snails, and frogs {yes, even if it's a girl, I would like to use these for the album and just make them girly}. I might add dragonflies too.

Pregnancy: 14 weeks

I am now caught up on my pregnancy journal...today I am 14 weeks. FOURTEEN WEEKS!

08.09.11 – 14 weeks

I made it another week! Hurray! The baby is the size of a lemon this week. Keep growing, baby!

This week, sleep is still pretty difficult for me. I just can’t get comfortable, and I’m either super hot or freezing. Sometimes I choose to sleep on the couch because it’s easier to fall asleep on my side. Then, in the middle of the night, I move back to bed. Thankfully, I’m able to take a short nap in the morning before Ella wakes up, and we nap together in the afternoon for an or two.

Nausea is much better this week. The only time I’ve been nauseous is when I’ve been forced to eat ground beef or some other kind of meat.

I still love salads and hate meats! I have been eating yogurt and peanut butter to get my protein. I decided to try a new kind of greek yogurt because it has more protein and calcium than regular yogurt. I don’t love greek yogurt; I’ve tried a few different brands, but it’s just kind of sour. I feel like I’m eating sour cream. This week, I tried Yoplait greek yogurt, and it’s better than some other ones I have tried. I’m also eating a lot of fruits like bananas, grapes, strawberries and watermelon.

I’ve had a hard time getting enough water the last few weeks. It has just felt like such a chore. My water bottles that I was using were several years old, so I decided to buy some new ones, thinking maybe a prettier water bottle would make me want to drink water more. Well, the “prettier” bottle didn’t necessarily do anything, but water tastes different now. I love water, but our tap water at home doesn’t taste that great to me. We use a Brita filter, but it still tastes funny. However, with my new water bottles, it tastes much better! It has been much easier to drink water this week.

My acne is way better this week. It could be my new face wash (Cetaphil) working, or it could be the second trimester, or it could be both, or it could be a random coincidence. Whatever the reason, I am loving it!

I have noticed when looking at my pictures from week to week that my belly looks a little smaller this week than it did the last few weeks. My doctor said that a lot of my belly was probably from my body's natural progestrone, and now that I'm farther along, my belly is just baby. So now I don't feel freakishly huge, but it is funny to see how big I was and compare it to now {which is still pretty big compared to most people at 14 weeks}.

I was reading my pregnancy book this week, and a short snippet popped out at me. “Now that you are getting more attention from friends, family, and co-workers who cannot help but notice your blooming figure, you may also find you are not as ready or willing as you thought you would be to receive it. You may even find all the attention irritating.” I have never been big on attention. I don’t like people jumping up and down with excitement, no matter how excited I am {for anything, not just pregnancy}. I don’t like people rubbing my belly, which has already started. I like talking to my friends about how the pregnancy is going, but when I see random acquaintances, like from high school, I don’t like to talk about it. The other day, I ran into a girl I went to high school at the grocery store; we haven’t really talked since high school, but she works with my mother-in-law, so she knows our whole story. She was asking me if I’ve had doctor’s appointments yet, and how things are going. While I appreciate her interest and concern {because she really is a sweet girl}, I am somewhat socially awkward and feel uncomfortable talking about with some people. Maybe because I’m not totally confident in this pregnancy yet {and maybe I never will be}. But again, it’s not anyone else’s fault; I’m just an awkward person.

Also, I’m hearing all kinds of annoying comments from people lately. Things like, “Get used to sleepless nights now” or “Enjoy your freedom now.” While it’s true that I may get less sleep with a baby and I can’t just jump up and do whatever I want whenever I want when I have a baby, these comments make children seem like a burden, or like having a baby is a negative thing. I know that a baby will change many things about my life, but I am choosing these changes and looking forward to them. There is nothing negative about pregnancy or babies to me. I also get annoyed with, “You’ll change your mind when the baby comes” about decisions I have made thus far or ideas I have about the future. Maybe I will change my mind, or maybe I won’t. But either way, no one can tell me what will happen in my life. Whether they have a baby or not, their life is different than mine, and their attitudes are different than mine.

This brings me to the obvious…I am incredibly irritable lately. I know that most people are just making conversation or trying to help. But I am so irritated lately; with people, with my whiney cat, with everything. I have to remind myself that people aren’t irritating; I am irritable.

Another Class Down...

A couple weeks ago, I finished up my summer grad class. I've taken a few grad classes in the past, but this one was the absolute worst.

It involved, on a weekly basis:

• a ridiculous amount of reading (at least 5 chapters from two texts, and usually a few added assignments)
• quizzes, which to me seemed more like tests (usually 30 multiple choice questions and at least 6 essays, but usually closer to 10 essays)
• reading response papers
• online discussion board (two original posts, and at least two responding to others' posts)

And over the course of the semester:

• tutoring a student who struggles in reading, at least 12 sessions (in only 6 weeks) - I also had to tape our sessions, which made them somewhat uncomfortable for both of us.
• a 30+ page case study portfolio on the tutored student
• a test on reading material that was 45 multiple choice and 15 essay questions

The hard part was the reading, the quizzes, and the case study portfolio. Response papers, discussion board, and even tutoring was easy. But the reading was just way too much, and the quizzes were insane.

And in the course of this semester, the Lake Superior State University blackboard was messed up numerous times, and I was never able to access my LSSU email. Twice my discussion board posts mysteriously disappeared. It was so frustrating! Thankfully, my professor gave me full credit for the missing discussion board posts.

The other day, I checked on my final grade for the course. I was expecting a 3.5, since I missed some questions on the multiple choice quizzes and in the beginning of the semester I lost points on some of the essays. Apparently, I wasn't thorough enough on my answers; thorough, to my professor, is about 5+ pages, single spaced. Fun stuff.

I was surprised and SUPER excited to see that I received a 4.0 this semester, keeping up my 4.0 streak for grad school! YAY!

My professor sent me an email saying:

"From what you posted on Blackboard and your written assignments, including your response papers and answers to the essay questions, I can tell that you are a dedicated teacher and you strive to be a better and more effective teacher. It was a great pleasure to have you in this course."

I wish I could say I found great pleasure in taking the class. While I did learn a lot, it was so.much.work! And with the technology issues added to it, I have to say that I will NEVER take another class through LSSU again. Well...maybe if it's free.

Yay for another semester in the books!

Pregnancy: week 13 (and appointment update)

08.02.11 – 13 weeks

Shirt was a little flowy, so I took a second one.

HELLO SECOND TRIMESTER! It is so nice to enter this phase of pregnancy. Not that it feels any different, but I feel better just making it this far. This week, I bought peaches at the store and then learned that the baby is approximately the size of a peach. Kind of creepy to eat my peaches now.

This week, nausea and fatigue are the worst they’ve been throughout my pregnancy so far. I thought it would sort of taper off, but it’s definitely more apparent this week. I’m totally ok with that though, as long as I’m growing a healthy baby. I would gladly be exhausted and feel pukey for the entire pregnancy if it meant holding a baby in my arms at the end.

I’ve also experienced some interesting food aversions and cravings this week. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I would chew mint gum whenever I felt nauseous – it really seemed to help. Now though, mint gum makes me super nauseous, so I had to buy bubble gum flavor gum. Brings me back to childhood. One food that I always loved pre-pregnancy that I can’t stand now is mushrooms. I used to eat them on pizza, and put them in my spaghetti and stroganoff and now I can’t stand the sight of them. So weird. I’ve had a hard time finding foods that sound good lately. I still really like salads. The other day I was at the beach with my family all day and I was really hungry but didn’t know what I wanted. I ate pretzel crisps and teddy grahams all afternoon, but they just weren’t hitting the spot. Then I noticed my sister had a bag of salt and vinegar kettle cooked chips and I wanted them SO BAD! My sister, being the amazing person she is, told me to have at it. Between my nephew and I, we ate nearly the entire bag. But they were sooooo good!

I noticed a few {three} small stretch marks on my right side. I guess it’s time to get some stretch mark cream. But to be honest, I’m not all that concerned. My body wasn’t perfect before baby, and I don’t expect it to be after baby. While I don’t want to be full of stretch marks, I am proud to have them. Dave and I will both get over my body being different.

One last thing I’ve noticed this week is that I’ve been really sensitive to the sun. I do have a bit of a sun allergy anyway- when I’m in the sun for too long, I get sick {migraines, flu-like symptoms} and the smell of sunscreen makes it worse. Since I have very fair skin, I have to wear sunscreen, so I try not to spend an entire day out in the sun. I only go out for a few hours and take breaks in the shade. Wearing sunglasses helps a lot. But lately, it’s been a lot worse. A few minutes in the sun {not necessarily the heat, just bright sun} and I feel sick. I need to buy a hat because sunglasses aren’t helping much. I’m not entirely sure, but I have a feeling this is pregnancy related. It’s a bummer, because I sure love the sunshine and summer activities, but I’ll manage. For this sweet baby, I would do anything.

My appointment is tomorrow. I thought I would be more calm for this one, but I’m still terribly nervous. I NEED to hear the heartbeat tomorrow. This is so hard, I can’t even describe it. Maybe if when everything looks ok tomorrow, I will feel better about future appointments. 

08.03.11 – 13 weeks, 1 day

Today was my check-up appointment. My first-ever non-ultrasound appointment. While it was a bummer not see my little pumpkin today, I got to hear his/her heartbeat! It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. Dr. Morreale said it was a strong 160. I’m so relieved and so excited. For the first time, I think I am actually letting this feel real. And it feels good.

Pregnancy: weeks 11 & 12

07.19.11 – 11 weeks

Every week, I feel like I’ve overcome some huge, amazing milestone. It’s only 7 days, but every time that number goes up, I feel like it’s a huge gain. This week feels so different from last week. Maybe it’s because after today, I am officially more pregnant than I have ever been. Our ultrasound with baby #1 was at exactly 11 weeks. Even though I didn’t have my D&C until I was 12.5 weeks, it was at 11 weeks that I knew there was no baby, and didn’t consider myself pregnant anymore (even with the growing sac inside me and continuing pregnancy symptoms). So after today, this is all new territory for me. It’s exciting and scary at the same time, but mostly very, very exciting.

Also, according to thebump.com, at 11 weeks, the baby is the size of a lime. I remember back in January, after learning there was no baby, I was grocery shopping and completely broke down when I saw the limes. It seems silly to most people, but I was just so sad that I didn’t have a baby that was the size of a lime. This week, when I saw the limes at the grocery store, I smiled.

This week has been a fun week. I look very pregnant, which is fun for me. I ran into a former preschool parent (from about six years ago) at the grocery store and she said, “It looks like you and Dave are adding to your family.” I have had a few people say things like that this week. It’s fun to have people notice, so I know it’s not just me that thinks I look pregnant. The hard part is when they ask, “Is this your first?” Technically, yes, this will be my first baby. I never even saw the first one. But I loved it more than words can say, and I don’t ever want to forget that baby. However, it’s so hard to say, “We lost the first one, so this is the first one that we will hopefully get to keep.” That statement is always followed by the pity face and questions, and I just don’t want to go there, mostly because it’s still a possibility to lose this one. I also have a hard time having an excited face when I talk about it with people, because there is still the sadness of our first loss and worry of another one. I usually just say yes, because it’s easier that way.

Anyway, onto the update. This week, sleep has been horrible. I either can’t fall asleep or I can’t stay asleep. I’m hoping watching Ella will help my body get back on a normal sleep schedule. Speaking of Ella, today we were sitting together on the couch and she heard my stomach growl. She said, “Aunt Nae, your baby’s snoring.” It was the funniest thing ever. I told her the baby was hungry and I went to get some crackers, which we shared. She kept asking me if the baby was getting full. About an hour or two later, she said, “Does your baby need more crackers?” I told her no, and she looked disappointed. Turns out, she wanted more crackers. She’s so stinkin’ cute.

Other than lack of sleep, I’ve felt pretty good this week. Nausea comes and goes still, but it’s happening less and less frequently. I’m getting used to having to pee every 15 minutes. Once school starts, I’m sure that will be tricky. Maybe I’ll invest in some Depends. Kidding! Though I have mentioned on more than one occasion that a catheter would be nice.

Food-wise, there isn’t really anything I’m craving, but still lots of things that I don’t like. I’m okay with red meat, though it doesn’t taste great. Chicken, however, is super gross! Salads still sound pretty good, and I’ve been eating a lot of fruit. My sweet tooth is coming back a little bit. Sweet things are starting to sound better than they did, but some things still don’t sound great. Doughnuts, brownies, and s’mores sound really good, but I haven’t had any. I’ve been asked by friends to go get cupcakes from my favorite cupcake place, but they sound really gross to me right now. So weird.

My new maternity clothes came and they are perfect! I love them. I’m having a hard time finding uniform pants for school though. Funny thing, nobody sells maternity school uniform pants. Huh. Apparently navy blue pants are super unfashionable, because they don’t exist in maternity anywhere. I can find plenty of other colors, but no navy. So, I’ve decided to just buy regular navy pants from Old Navy or somewhere and have a maternity panel sewn in. It’s the best solution I can think of.

Two weeks from tomorrow we get to hear our sweet baby’s heartbeat! I am super excited and, as usual, very nervous. I can’t wait. After that, I think we’ll make the big announcement to the facebook and blogging world. At this point, people that see me pretty much know, and if someone asks, of course I tell them. But I’m not talking about it on facebook or anything yet.

                                                                                                                                                                             

07.26.11 – 12 weeks

Trying out my new tripod...sorry for the blur.

I am super excited today because when I read the next section in my pregnancy book {The Pregnancy Book by Dr. Sears}, it’s all brand new information. I read it through 11 weeks when I was pregnant before, and I have looked through it some this time, just to refresh my memory. But from here on out, it’s all new! It’s really hitting me this week that I’m going to have a baby. I’m really going to be a mom. I didn’t really let myself think that until now, because I feared bad news. Of course, something could still happen; I’m well aware of that, but it is still a great feeling to have hope again.

Sleep is definitely better this week. It’s still pretty difficult to get comfortable, but I’m actually feeling tired at bedtime now, thanks to getting up early to watch Ella. She’s keeping me busy, which is great because I’m up and moving and I’m back to a somewhat normal sleep schedule. Also, she lets me nap. Last week, she asked me, “Aunt Nae, you getting tired?” She must have seen me yawn or something. I told her that the baby makes me tired, so she said, “Let’s go take a nap.” Ella is very concerned about making sure my baby is ok, which is so sweet of her.

I’ve been going back and forth on eating meat, but lately it’s just really gross. I’ve been eating lots of fruits, veggies, and pasta {and perhaps a pop-tart or two}. Actually, one thing that I really like is Teddy Grahams. Dave laughed at me when I bought them, but they work great for settling my stomach.

I started using a new face wash because my acne has been totally out of control. It started going crazy when I had my D&C in February, and it just kept on coming. With the new face wash, I have noticed fewer blemishes, but the ones I do have are HUGE {I'm going to do something stupid and tell you readers that you can totally see my huge one under my nose in the picture this week. So gross, super obvious, and it HURTS!} This is driving me bonkers. Hopefully it’ll get better after my first trimester. We’ll see.

Dave and I have started talking baby names. We have a few girls names we like, so I don’t think that will be a problem. However, that probably means we're having a boy, so we’ve been thinking of boy names. We can’t agree on anything. Everything I like, Dave thinks is too girly (how are the names Ethan and Landon girly, I wonder?), or he makes fun of it (apparently, Hudson makes him think of a river…ugh). And so many of my favorite names don’t really go with our last name (say Noah Nowak out loud right now and try not to laugh). One name that I really like is Rowan; I know it’s a little different, but I think it sounds like a handsome boy’s name. However, upon hearing it, Dave said, “Is he rowin’ a boat?” Nice, Dave. He’s quick to criticize my suggestions, but he’s not coming up with anything at all. I guess we have plenty of time though, and maybe we’ll luck out with a girl. Eight-ish more weeks and we’ll know!

Sometimes my husband irritates me...

Let me start by saying that I really do love my husband. He's a wonderful man, hard-working, super smart, and all that good stuff. But he really irritates me sometimes.

Dave and I started looking for a new {not brand new, just new to us} car last December when we found out I was pregnant the first time. We wanted a bigger vehicle that can fit a carseat and stroller a little more comfortably, and one that my husband fits in more comfortably. We also wanted to have a vehicle with all wheel drive. While my car has been good in the snow, it would be nice to have that little extra security.

We know we want a Ford Edge, we know we want leather, we know we don't want a sunroof, we know we want black or silver, and we know what we're willing to spend, and how many miles we're willing for it to have. We can't seem to find anything that meets our criteria. Perhaps we're picky, but considering I really like the car I have now, it seems silly to just take anything that comes along.

About a week ago, I decided to just give up looking. I love my car, and would be happy to keep it for another year or two. I know it can fit a carseat and stroller, and if we get snow tires this year, it would be perfectly fine for winter driving.

So last night, I told Dave that I didn't care about a new car. I said that I was happy with my car, and I didn't really feel like having a higher car payment anytime soon since we'll have to buy furniture and things for the baby and then pay for daycare. It just made sense to me to not add any more financial burdens. I thought my husband, who constanty stresses about money, would appreciate this and agree with me. Instead, he told me to keep looking and that he wants me to have my new car. He suggested I look online again last night. So I did.

And I found one! About two and a half hours away, in Grand Haven, there is a beauty with everything we are looking for, and it's in our price range! {While Grand Haven is sort of far away, both of the vehicles we have now were purchased from dealerships downstate as well. Mine from Grand Rapids, and Dave's from Midland.} I was pretty excited, so I told Dave. His response? He doesn't want to look into it. He would rather look closer to home. Hey, Dave, not sure if you've noticed, but cars at local dealerships are way over-priced, which is why we bought our other vehicles from downstate!

Ugh! He's so frustrating!!! I guess I give up again.

Pregnancy: weeks 9 & 10 (and second ultrasound)

07.05.11 – 9 weeks

My first picture this time around

The last week I have felt really nauseous and really tired. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d swear I was coming down with some kind of cold or something. I just feel so run-down. I have had a little trouble sleeping over the last week – I just can’t seem to get comfortable.

This week, someone (who knows I’m pregnant) asked me how I’m feeling. I told them not great and that I was pretty nauseous that day. Their response? “You can’t complain. You asked for this.” First of all, I am NOT complaining; you ASKED me how I was feeling; I was just honestly telling you. Second of all, I can complain if I feel like it. Every other pregnant person in the world can complain, but I can’t because I want this so much? Doesn’t make sense. Plus, this is the second time in six months that I am going through the first trimester – the hardest part of pregnancy (from what I hear). I think I have every right to complain about going through it TWICE in six months. But alas, I am not complaining. Because I am thrilled to feel like crap. No question about it; I am LOVING every single pukey-feeling moment!

Food-wise, there isn’t anything that I’m especially loving or hating right now. I eat because I’m hungry, but nothing really tastes that great. Sometimes food sounds really good, and then I eat it and it’s gross, like the BLT I had the other night. It’s frustrating to feel STARVING and have nothing that you really want to eat. I do, however, LOVE slurpees lately. I’ve had two this week and one last week. I’m more thirsty lately, but water doesn’t taste very good. Slurpees hit the spot.

I took my first pregnancy photos this week. I was planning to take one last week, but never got around to it. In my previous pregnancy, I started at 8 weeks, and was planning to just take them each month. This time, I want to take them weekly.

Tomorrow is my second ultrasound. It’s only a week and a half after my first one. I’m not quite as nervous this time as the last one. Of course, I am still a little nervous, but I am thankful to have passed the first hurdle of making sure something is actually in there. Now, I just hope to see that sweet little heartbeat still going strong. 

07.10.11 – 9 weeks, 5 days

We had our second ultrasound on Wednesday (my computer was being repaired so this is the first chance I’ve had to write about it) and everything looked perfect. Our baby has grown so much in just two weeks! I was absolutely amazed. We printed a picture and I was just in awe of it. We got to see the heartbeat again, and Dr. Morreale said that it looks strong and fast, just the way it should be. It was such a relief to see our sweet baby again. Dave said it looks like a peanut with wings, because the arms are just little nubs that you can barely see. We go back in 4 weeks to hear the heartbeat. I cannot wait for that! I wish I could hear it or see it every day to ease my anxiety. I will be 13 weeks then, and I think I will feel a lot more secure in this pregnancy once I reach that point. Obviously, I will always worry for my baby, but even seeing this last ultrasound was such a relief for me. 

07.12.11 – 10 weeks

Dave's attempt at picture taking. He was fired after this.

I’m a quarter of the way through this pregnancy. When I say I have 30 weeks left, it seems like so long, but when I think I only have ¾ to go, it seems a lot closer. I like that.

I’ve been feeling pretty good the last week. Not too much nausea. I’m still having a problem with foods not tasting or sounding good. This week, I decided that since I’m not eating much meat, I need to start eating yogurt and cottage cheese to help me get my protein. I still like peanut butter too, so I’m getting protein there. My doctor told me I need to be drinking a lot of water. I’m generally a pretty good water drinker anyway, but I know I need more. My doctor suggested 8-10 large glasses of water a day. I would say I normally drink about six (8 oz.) glasses per day, but that’s not enough. I’m really trying to get it all in, but it’s hard. That’s a lot of water!

And because of all this water, I can never be too far away from a bathroom! This week, I went to the bathroom before we left for church. Then I went when we got there. And then, about 20 minutes into the service, I had to go again. I tried to hold it, but after a few minutes, it was absolutely unbearable! I told Dave we need to sit on the aisle from now on.

My doctor also wants me to walk at least 2 miles a day. Since I was a runner before I was pregnant, it’s best to try and stay active during pregnancy. However, running has been uncomfortable since about 6 weeks, so she suggested walking. I think I might also do some bike riding too. I feel like a nerd walking around my neighborhood by myself (mostly because my in-laws live in the neighborhood and we know a lot of other people too), so maybe riding my bike (not in the neighborhood) would be nice too. She also wants me to try prenatal yoga or Pilates. I’ve never done either of those before, because I kind of think they look boring. But I bought a yoga DVD today and tried it. It wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t terrible.

My sleep is just way crazy. I seem to toss and turn from 10 or 11pm until about 3:00am. Then I sleep really well, and don’t want to get up in the morning. But I try to get up at or before 8:00 so that I get things done like school and housework. I am loving my body pillow – it’s the only thing that keeps me comfortable. Dave hates it though, and it usually ends up on the floor after I’m asleep.

I ordered some maternity clothes, and they arrived a few days ago. I usually wear a medium or large in Old Navy shirts, so I ordered large maternity shirts. They were HUGE! It was ridiculous. I can’t imagine being big enough to fill them. I ordered one pair of jeans, and they fit fine, but I didn’t really like the style. I like flared jeans, because I’m short and they tend to make me look taller and even out my big hips. However, these were called “skinny flares.” I thought that just meant that the flare would be a small flare. No, these were super tight in the knees, like skinny jeans, and then had huge flares. Plus the color was really weird. So, I returned everything, and ordered some different things to try. I think they might work better. Except that I’m worried medium shirts might even be too big, but I didn’t want to chance small shirts; there is nothing small about my chest area! So, we’ll see how they work out.

I have started to get the feeling that Baby Nowak #2 is a girl. Maybe that’s just because I have a girl name that I absolutely love, and another one as a back-up in case Dave doesn’t agree, but cannot for the life of me think of a boy’s name. Dave can’t think of a boy’s name either, so if it’s a boy, we’re screwed. I would be happy with a boy or a girl as long as we can agree on a name. Dave wants a girl though. We’ll see in 9-10 weeks!

That is all for this week. I am loving every single second of this pregnancy (even the ones spent in the bathroom and the ones when I just can’t sleep), and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Pregnancy: Weeks 7 & 8 (and first ultrasound)

06.21.11 – 7 weeks

I have finally made it to this week – the week that I get to see my little sweetheart (hopefully). I am so thankful that I don’t have to wait another four weeks, like I did last time. Or another two weeks, like I was originally supposed to. I have to know if there is a little baby in there or not.

As far as symptoms go, I haven’t had many this week. Sore boobs and nausea seem to come and go. Last week was sore boobs, and a little nausea. Today, my boobs are fine but I am SUPER nauseous. I still really wish I were puking my guts out. It would ease my mind a bit. I am so exhausted that I feel the word exhausted doesn’t fit. There needs to be a word that means, “If I close my eyes at any time of the day, I will sleep; I may die if I have to spend another two minutes drying my hair; and I don’t think I even have the energy to eat.” It’s funny because I sit on the couch, and my stomach just growls and growls, but I do not have the energy to get up and feed myself.

I am starving all the time, but nothing really sounds good. This past week, I have really wanted salad and cheese fries. Heck of a combination. I went to lunch with Melinda at Olive Garden and could have eaten salad after salad after salad. I was full, and still wanted more salad. The next day, I went to Outback with Jackie, and enjoyed salad and cheese fries. Oh, they were amazing! Again, I wanted to keep eating, but I was full. I couldn’t possibly have fit more food into my stomach, but it tasted so good! What’s really strange for me is that chocolate and sweets don’t taste very good. I still desire them, but when I actually eat them, it’s pretty anti-climactic. I think that I want ice cream or a candy bar, and then when I eat it, it’s kind of gross. Last week, I ate a piece of a Kit Kat bar and didn’t finish it because it didn’t taste good. Who would have ever thought I would lose my sweet tooth? It’s a good thing, though. I don’t need those sweets.

I am, once again, showing a little early. It’s hard to tell because I really haven’t lost the weight from my pregnancy before. But I can tell that my “chub” is a little firmer. I haven’t weighed myself since February, so I have no idea what I weigh now, or what I weighed before I was pregnant. I don’t think I will weigh myself this time around. I don’t care what I gain, as long I as I grow a sweet little baby.

I have told a few people this week about this pregnancy. I told my sister, Jan, a few weeks ago, because she told me she had a dream that I was pregnant. I also told Melinda at Olive Garden, and my dad on Father's Day. I told Melinda because I just love her and I know that she will be very supportive no matter which way the appointment goes on Friday.  And on Father's Day, when I was talking to my dad on the phone, he started saying how he wished I was pregnant again, or still pregnant, and how he wanted another grandchild so bad. I couldn't help but tell him, because he sounded so sad. I mentioned before that when I was pregnant the first time, I felt an urgency to tell everyone. I think that was God’s way of making sure I had support when I got my bad news. I needed to tell people so that when I wasn’t acting like myself, people would understand why, and I wouldn’t hear the “When are you going to have kids?” question anymore. This time, I don’t feel that urgency. Maybe that’s a good thing. We shall see in just a few short days. 

06.22.11 – 7 weeks, 1 day

It’s been a whole day since my last journal entry. Nothing new has really happened, but I have to get some feelings out before I drive myself crazy. I am terrified, beyond belief, of my appointment on Friday. I have been nervous lately, but not like this. I woke up with serious anxiety this morning, and I cannot rid myself of this feeling. I know that I am not in control. God is in control. If there is a baby in there, it’s because God wants it there. If there’s not, it’s because it’s not my turn yet. I get that. But that doesn’t calm my nerves at all. I just want to cry and cry until I fall asleep, and then I want to sleep until Friday at 3:45 (my appointment is at 3:30, but by 3:45, I should be in the ultrasound room and have already seen either an empty sac or a full sac).

I spend my time these days daydreaming about seeing a sweet little baby in my belly at my first ultrasound. I even dream of seeing two sweet little babies in there…it’s just a dream of mine, no matter how unlikely it may be. I see my second ultrasound. I see my gender ultrasound. I see my baby shower. I see me giving birth to my baby and taking him or her home. But I also see scary things. Another empty sac. A miscarriage. A pre-term birth. A stillbirth. All resulting in scary, very bad things that I don’t want to happen. But again, it is out of my control. I’m totally ok with not being in control, but I wish I knew what would happen. Like, if I’m going miscarry, I wish I would just know. I can maybe attempt to prepare myself for that, but the unknown is the worst. Two more days and six hours, and I will at least have the answer to my first fear.

06.24.11 – 7 weeks, 3 days – Ultrasound Day

9:30am (six hours to go)

I didn’t sleep much last night. I woke up every hour, and it took me a long time to fall back asleep each time. I woke up with my stomach in knots, my heart racing, and on the verge of tears. I am really trying not to be scared today. I know that God is in control. He knows the plan, and it is perfect. But it’s really difficult to be calm and at ease. I am going out for a little shopping and lunch with my grandma today, and I’m hoping that will distract me a little bit.

6:30pm (three hours after our appointment)

We waited for what seemed like hours in the waiting room and were finally called back to the ultrasound room. The nurse talked to me for a few minutes and then we waited (again, for what seemed like hours) for my doctor to come in.

She started the ultrasound right away. I’m sure she knew that I was anxious. I wasn’t smiling or small-talking or anything. I think if I tried, I might have thrown up. No joke. Last time I had my ultrasound, she had the screen facing me so I could see. This time, she faced it away from me until she knew there was something in there.

AND THERE WAS SOMETHING IN THERE!!! I could see it right away when she turned the screen toward me. Dave wasn't really sure what to look for, but Dr. Morreale showed him. I also saw a teeny tiny flicker in the middle of my sweet baby, and I knew that was the heartbeat. Again, Dave didn’t know that, but Dr. Morreale showed him. I am measuring right at seven weeks, and my doctor said everything looks perfect. Then she explained what kinds of symptoms I might have that are normal and what kinds of symptoms I need to call her about.

My first glimpse of my sweet baby. Keep growing in there, pumpkin!

I have another appointment in two weeks. SO I GET TO SEE MY SWEET BABY AGAIN! And this time it will be in the morning, so I don’t have to wait all stinkin’ day. Hurrayyy! Praying, praying, praying to see that heart still a-pumping.

I am very relieved. I know that something can still happen, but I am so thrilled to have passed this first hurdle. It’s more than I had before. So right now, I am enjoying this moment. I am pregnant. Really, actually, there’s-a-baby-inside-me PREGNANT! No more of that blighted ovum crap. That sucked big time. 

06.28.11 – 8 weeks

I have felt very nauseous the last few days. Sometimes just because I’m hungry, and sometimes food smells set it off, and sometimes for no reason whatsoever (except for my sweet lil peanut in there causing a ruckus). I honestly am totally okay with the nausea. I have never been happier to feel like crap, and if I have to feel this way for the rest of my pregnancy (and, hey, for the rest of my life), that’s A-Okay with me.

I am also experiencing a lot of cramping. When I say a lot, I just mean that I experience it often. It’s not very painful, just somewhat uncomfortable. My doctor said this is normal, as long as there is no bleeding. I haven’t had any bleeding, but it still makes me nervous.

I haven’t had any food cravings, but I’ve had A LOT of food aversions lately. Nothing really sounds good, but I eat anyway because I am still starving all the time. Yesterday, I ate lunch and then left to run some errands. A half-hour into my errands, I was dying of hunger. I didn’t want to get fast food or junk food from a gas station – I’m trying to eat healthy for my lil babe – so I went to Big Apple Bagels and got myself a bagel with plain cream cheese. It didn’t taste amazing, but it made my tummy stop growling. The one thing that I do enjoy eating is peanut butter and honey sandwiches. After I eat dinner, I usually still feel hungry, but I don’t want my dinner anymore (cause it kind of tastes gross), so I make myself a sandwich and feel much better. I still don’t like most sweets, but I have enjoyed a few Oreos this week. Dave made fun of me the other day because I went to bed before him, and he did the few dishes in the sink before he went to bed. When he woke up in the morning, there were more dishes in there (and I was still sleeping, so it wasn’t from my breakfast). He said, “Did you have a midnight snack?” I did, which is very unlike me. I don’t like to interrupt my sleep for anything, but I was SO hungry! So I made myself some peanut butter toast in the middle of the night.

All I do these days is pee and eat. If I’m sitting at home, doing homework or watching TV or something, I am constantly getting up to pee. Like, probably four times an hour or more. When I’m sleeping or when I’m out and about, I can make it for an hour. Dave is now rationing my toilet paper use (kidding).

I started showing pretty early this time around. Last time I was around 7-8 weeks when Dave and I could tell I was showing. This time it was a little earlier, like 6-7 weeks, but I am DEFINITELY showing now. I have one pair of jeans that are stretchy enough that I can still button, but that’s it. I either wear my other jeans with a bella band, or I wear cotton stretchy clothes, like gauchos or skirts. I don’t mind it, but it makes me nervous when I go out in public. I worry that I will see someone I know (who doesn’t know I’m pregnant), and they will know and then everyone will know. I’m enjoying keeping this a secret.

One more thing…my poor, poor husband. I am seriously a ball of crazy right now. Between worrying about my sweet lil pumpkin in there, my grad class, and worrying about paying for my fall grad class, I am spent when it comes to patience. To be quite honest, I’m a raging bitch at this point, and he bears the brunt of it, since he’s the one I see most. Not fair. I really am working on it, because I know he doesn’t deserve it and he deals with enough crap at work every day. So tonight, I vow to be calm, to have the house cleaned, and to have a yummy dinner ready when he gets home. It may not seem like much, but it’s a huge thing compared to the last few days.