10 years

Ten years ago, Dave and I jumped into this adventure called marriage. We were young - some may say too young - but we knew what we wanted.

We have shared a lot of experiences in the last decade.

Two precious babies. One miscarriage. One house (we bought our house just a few months before we got married). Six cars and trucks. One college graduation. Several jobs for me. One job for him. Two kitties. Countless adventures both near and far.

We have walked through this life, hand in hand, through good times and bad. And after ten years, I can honestly say that there is no one else I would rather share this adventure with.

Happy 10 year anniversary to my husband, my friend, my personal comedian, my Mr. Fix-It, and my baby daddy. He is the bestest of the best and I am one lucky lady. (Yes, I said bestest. I teach lower elementary; it's allowed.)

Stay-cation Day One

It's Spring Break, y'all!

I have been looking forward to this week for about a month now. Not because we're going on some fancy vacation to a tropical paradise (though that would be amazing). But because Dave took the week off and we're going to have lots and lots of family time. But first...a couple of fun date days.

Dave and I don't have date nights very often. Partly because of money, and partly because of babysitter availability, but mostly because of me. I work about 45 hours a week, and my kids are in daycare 9-10 hours a day Monday-Friday. I miss my kids and my family time all week, so I really cherish our nights and weekends together. I know that alone time is important in a marriage, but we really just don't want to be away from our kids.

Since we're both off for the week, Dave and I decided to take the boys to daycare for two days so that we could have a date day or two. We originally planned to do lunch and a movie on one day, and the other day just lounge around and take naps all day. But then we decided to split up the lunch and movie into two different days. We didn't want to rush from lunch to a 1:00 movie, and we knew if we ate lunch, we wouldn't want to get popcorn - and we love us some movie theater popcorn.

Today, we took the kids to daycare in the morning and stopped at the new doughnut shop in town. Then we ran some errands and I got a new "diaper bag."

Several of my friends have been using the Patagonia Atom sling bag as a diaper bag, and I had to jump on the bandwagon. First, because I hate how big and bulky my diaper bag is - it doesn't fit under any stroller, and it's a pain to carry around. Second, because this is hands-free. About a month ago, Dave's boss gave him $100 in gift certificates to use at any downtown store or restaurant, so he graciously used some of it to buy my new bag.

After running errands, we had lunch at Bubba's - a restaurant downtown, which means it was free with Dave's gift certificate. Dave had a burger, and I had steak tacos - delish!

And because I am always game for dessert (sometimes the only reason I eat the meal is for dessert), we ordered a slice of oreo pie.

AMAZING!

And after lunch, we went home and enjoyed a nice long nap before picking up the boys. We missed the boys big time, but it had been so long since we were able to spend some time just the two of us, and we really enjoyed some alone time.

You're Welcome...

Sunday night, I went grocery shopping after Leland went to bed. Dave and I have always gone grocery shopping together, but the last few months, it's just been easier for me to go alone because Leland doesn't do so well in the cart for that long. So, I've been going alone. I hate grocery shopping, and especially hate going alone, but it's what I have to do. If Dave went alone, we would have a lifetime supply of frozen pizza, Pop Tarts and Mountain Dew.

When I got home, Dave helped me unload the groceries and, as we were putting them away, he said, "You're welcome for me doing the dishes." In my head, I was all, Um, there were only, like, four dishes, because I did all the dishes right after dinner. There were only a couple of pans left. But I just said thanks and continued with the groceries.

A few minutes later, he said, "You're also welcome for me taking out the trash." Again, in my head, I'm like, Well, you didn't replace the trash bag, because I had to do that. But I didn't say anything.

Dave does this all the time. Just randomly tells me "You're welcome" for him doing some sort of chore or something around the house. It irritates me beyond belief, because I do a ton of stuff around the house, but I don't feel the need to say anything about it, because...who freaking cares as long as it got done?

Then he said, "You're welcome for..." I don't even remember what it was, but I was annoyed. So I said something. I said, "You're welcome for me getting the groceries by myself. And you're welcome for me doing tons of dishes today. And you're welcome for all the other stuff I do all the time, but never say anything, because it doesn't bother me if you don't notice."

That's when Dave explained to me that he wasn't telling me "You're welcome" to be snarky or expect an actual thank you. He feels bad that I go grocery shopping by myself, so he wants me to know that he didn't just sit around doing nothing while I was gone. Well, dear, I guess that's better than the snarky "You're welcome" comments. Perhaps next time you should just say, "I'm sorry you had to go by yourself, but I got such-and-such done while you were gone."

A lesson in communication for both of us, I guess.

The Love Dare: Week Five

It's been a while since I posted about the Love Dare. I am still working away at it, but have had a hard time finding time to sit and read it. However, here is week five, which leaves only 5 more days, as it is a 40 day dare.

Day 29: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Say, "I love you," then express love to them in a tangible way.

I prayed for Dave, just as I have been a lot lately. That he can find a way to be calm and enjoy his life, and not let stress get the best of him. That he will trust that things will work out. And I told him I loved him, just as I do every day, and then I did my best to express my love to him so that he would know and feel it.

Day 30: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. 

I guess I can't think of a specific area of division in our marriage. I think that arguments (I don't necessarily mean yelling arguments, just disagreements) divide us at times. I prayed that we would see each other's point of view and not argue for the sake of arguing or trying to be "right."

Day 31: Is there a "leaving" issue that you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today and resolve to make it right.

This chapter had to do with leaving past relationships or other human relationships behind and putting your marriage first. I can't say this chapter really pertains to me, so I guess it was a good read, but no real "dare" here for me.

Day 32: If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your spouse today. Do this in a way that honors what your spouse told you about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.

This dare kind of made me laugh. All Dave needs from me is for me to initiate it. He doesn't care how; just as long as it's not him begging or complaining about it.

Day 33: Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.

I always consider Dave's perspective and respect his opinion. He is one of the most level-headed people I know, and a great decision-maker. I probably don't tell him this though. I told him that I seek his input in many things and always appreciate his helping me see a different perspective.

Day 34: Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today.

This one was kind of hard. It's not that my husband doesn't demonstrate Christian character regularly, but I guess it's not something I look for or notice. But it is something I will look for and commend him for when I see it next time.

Day 35: Find a marriage mentor - someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you.

I have many marriage mentors, but they don't necessarily know it. I have friends who I respect and know they treat their marriage with respect. And I have friends who may not be married, but I do respect their opinion, and I do talk to them about myself and Dave at times. I don't necessarily think I need someone to talk to and coach me about my marriage though. I might ask for advice or opinions from others at times, but this chapter suggested actually telling those people that they are your mentors. I think that puts a bit of a strain on a friendship, you know? I just want to be someone's friend, not their mentor, so some people are my secret mentors. :)

Husband/Wife Quiz

When I saw this on Sarah and Shannon's blogs, I knew I had to do it too. However, I was a little concerned that my husband wouldn't want to cooperate. He doesn't like doing anything that might end up on the blog. Ha ha.

But he did it. Now, did he take it seriously? Not necessarily.

Did he do well? Not at all.

But it sure gave me a good laugh.

The questions are in black. My answers are in purple. Dave’s answers are in red. And general commentary is in blue. Enjoy!

How long have you been married?  
8 years.          

Too long. 8 years.

Where was your first date?   
Mancino’s.     

No idea. Mancino’s?

Where was your first kiss?    
At the movies – bonus points that I remember the name of the movie: The Last Castle.   

In your basement? At the movie theater?

Who first said, "I love you"?
He totally did. It was my policy not to say it first.     

She did.

What were your wedding colors?
Cranberry, white, and silver.

Some purple color. And my vest was silver.  

Wow, Dave. You are really terrible at this.

What is her most commonly used phrase? 
Your mom.

Your mom.     

Yes, I am 15 years old.

Who is her celebrity crush? 

I don’t think I have one, really.

I don’t know.

If she was ordering drinks for both of you what would you each get?   

Pepsi for me, Mountain Dew for him. We don’t generally drink alcohol. But I also haven’t pop since I found out I was pregnant with Leland. I do long for a Pepsi.

Pepsi for her, Mountain Dew for me.

What is the best meal she has ever cooked you?   

Lasagna  

Lasagna

What is the worst meal she has ever cooked you?  

Chicken Pot Pie. For the record, it was delicious, but Dave whined like a baby that it had peas in it.

Nasty chicken meal like 10 years ago.

Not the same meal.

What is the most-played song on her iPod?

I don’t have an iPod. I don’t even have music on my iPhone. I usually listen to Pandora, and my latest fave station is 90s Hip Hop.

Some dumb country song.


What would she say is your most annoying habit?

Honestly, that’s hard to pinpoint. He does some seriously annoying shit.

Me. I’m just annoying.

What is the last thing she does before she goes to bed?  

I don’t think I really do anything special. I pee. I brush my teeth. I kiss Dave goodnight and I go to sleep.

Masturbate.  

My husband is a freak. Seriously.

If you could throw out one item of her clothing what would it be?  

I would say either all of my sweatshirts. Or all of my bras. Or…maybe all of my clothing.

All her shirts.


What would you say is your favorite thing about her?

My boobs.      

Her boobs.


What's her go-to drink at Starbucks? 

I don’t drink coffee.   

Ummmm….we don’t go to Starbucks.

What's her blog's name?
Living Our Love Song

Keeping Up with the Nowaks

Ha! My friend’s blog is Keeping Up with the Kowalskis (or it used to be). He was totally just throwing out something random here.

Love Dare: Week Four

Day 22: Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Sat to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."

Dave loves me in return; I don't ever have to worry about that. Sometimes I think he even loves me more than I love him, because when we fight (like really fight), and I want to give up, he reminds me that marriage can be hard but that it's worth fighting for. Sometimes, our marriage is wonderful. Sometimes, it's not. Sometimes, I am so grateful to have him. And sometimes, I want him to just go away and never come back. Not kidding. In those moments, I have to remind myself that love is a choice, and I make the choice to love him. On this day, I told Dave I loved him. I meant it. I made sure he knew I meant it. I showed him that I am here and will be here even in the hardest of times. I'm not giving up. Ever.

Day 23: Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

I spend entirely too much time on the computer. Once Leland goes to bed, I am pretty much on it until I go to bed - playing games or checking facebook. Sometimes, I put facebook before my husband. I know how lame this sounds. Sometimes, I would just rather chat with a friend or co-worker who understands my job and motherhood than listen to Dave talk about work. But that's not fair to Dave. I'm supposed to be his person. I'm supposed to be the one he can talk to. So, I am definitely cutting back on my facebook time.

Day 24: Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed - today- and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

I don't really think today's chapter pertains to me. In general, I think this book is geared toward relationships that are on the brink of divorce. That's not really us. I started this as a way to rekindle or remind us both of how important we are to each other, because it's easy to forget in the day-to-day grind. So, this chapter, while a good reminder for me, isn't really a "dare" for me.

Day 25: Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "forgive our debts" each day, we must ask Him to help us "forgive our debtors." Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison for too long. Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive."

As simple as this seems, forgiveness isn't just saying you forgive someone. You really have to work to not let whatever it is come between you and your spouse again. There are things that I have "forgiven" Dave for, but in my head, I still punish him. And in arguments, I still punish him. That's not forgiveness. It's something I need to work on.

Day 26: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.

In recent arguments, I have said and thought some terrible things. Things that I would never want anyone to know about, because I am embarrassed to have said/thought them. I was being immature and selfish. I can't take back what I have said/thought, but I can ask God and my husband for forgiveness. And whatever Dave says to me, I need to accept as how he is thinking/feeling and not respond with more immaturity and selfishness.

Day 27: Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.

This is a tough one. I am the queen of unrealistic expectations. One in particular is our house. We bought our house when I was 20 years old and Dave was 23. It was the perfect house for us and we loved it. Over the years, especially since having Leland, our house has lots its luster for me. It's a fairly small house. I mean, it's big enough for us now, but I sincerely can't see fitting another child (or two) in it.

It has always been our plan that we would build a house someday (By we, I completely mean Dave. I won't be doing much of the work.). And in the past, we have been fortunate enough to have not only have enough money, but extra money to put in savings. We were great savers. I thought we would be able to build our house with no problem. But then about two years ago, we came into some unfortunate circumstances which made saving money difficult. Then we had Leland and the cost of daycare and health care takes pretty much all of our extra money. So we haven't saved in a while.

Right now, we are broke. As broke as we've ever been. I know we are broke. But I still have unrealistic expectations about building a house...soon. It's not going to happen anytime soon. I know that. I like to dream. But when I dream, it totally stresses Dave out. He wants me to be happy, and our family to be comfortable and have the things we want. But we can't right now, and that freaks him out. And when we do build, there are ideas in my head that I know Dave will throw out the window because they are unrealistic. I think I need to calm down and realize that people live in smaller houses than ours, with more kids than we will have, and things are just fine. This isn't a fairy tale. It's real life. Sometimes those two match up, and sometimes they don't.

Day 28: What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need.

I couldn't think of anything major. Dave has plenty of needs, but none that I can meet. I can't magically make money appear. I can't fix the running board on his truck. I can't keep the house immaculately clean (we have a one year old, for crying out loud!). But today we had a snow day. My husband doesn't get those. He still has to get up at 6:00am and get ready for work. He has to pack his lunch and eat something for breakfast if he has time. Well, today, I made his lunch for him. And I made him breakfast. So all he had to worry about was getting out the door really. It wasn't a huge task on my part, nor a huge need fulfilled for him, but it was something.

When I Get Angry...

When I get angry, like really angry, I like to be alone. I find a quiet place to just be by myself. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to listen to music. I don't want to use the computer or play a game on my phone. I just want to sit and think. But...I hate doing nothing, so do you know what I do?

I clean and organize.

I have just recently become aware of this pattern. Dave and I got into an argument a few weeks ago, and it was basically about how messy the house is, and how he wishes I would take care of things better. I hate when he criticizes my neatness because 1. I have never claimed to be a neat and orderly person. I like things in their places, but I am terrible at finding places for new things. And 2. I am a busy woman. I work 45-50 hours a week. I make all the dinners. I do the majority of work when it comes to Leland {packing his bag, making sure he has diapers/wipes/food, laundry, etc.}. So if the house isn't perfect, I don't really care. I spend my "extra" time playing with Leland.

So anyway, we were having this argument and I was pissed. Like, super pissed. So I went into our office/Leland's play room and I closed the door {Leland was in bed for the night}. I sat there fuming/pouting for a few minutes before I started to clean up Leland's toys. Then I started to organize my desk. Before I knew it, the whole room was clean and I felt better. Except I then got pissed at myself for doing exactly what Dave wanted. Damn it! 

And a few days ago, I was super mad about something else {I don't remember what it was. I don't even remember if it involved Dave or something else.} and I started to clean the kitchen!

Is this a terrible habit to have? No. It's actually kind of nice. I have that time to think and be angry, but I get something done at the same time. But I really hate when it coincides with an argument with my husband about cleaning. I'd hate for him to get the impression that he is right. Ever.

Love Dare: Week Three

If you have read week one and week two of my love dare, I'm sure you're wondering where in the heck week three is! Well, I actually completed week three a long time ago, but every time I sit down to blog about it, I realize the book is in the bedroom and I am too lazy to go get it. True story.

This week was heavy on spiritual growth and relying on God. I don't talk about my faith a lot, but I definitely have a strong faith in God. I firmly believe that He will provide for me; He will get me through the hard times; He will help me finish this love dare that I have started.


Day 15: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her or putting away his laundry. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Sometimes, when Dave talks about his day, I sort of tune him out. I know that's terrible, but I really feel like I can only handle so much complaining about his foreman. However, I know that this isn't helpful to our relationship, and I know he has noticed. I'm sure it doesn't make him feel good that I only give him half of my attention when he's talking. So I made sure that I listened and gave him my full attention when he talked. Have I done this every day since? No, but I'm working on it.

Day 16: Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and your marriage.

Done. I prayed for God to show Dave the positive side of things more often. He tends to get stressed {usually about money} and it takes him over completely. He is, by nature, a fun person, but that doesn't come through when he's focused on the negative. I also prayed for Dave to appreciate me more. I know he does appreciate the things I do, but I think that he just expects them at this point and he doesn't realize how hard I work juggling school, Leland, our marriage, and our home. And finally, I just prayed for Dave and I both to communicate positively and take delight in each other.

Day 17: Determine to guard your mate's secrets and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts with you. Make them feel safe.

This chapter was about making sure your spouse feels safe in the relationship and not like they will be nagged for every single mistake. I, honestly, feel like I already do this. I am not one to judge him or get upset about mistakes. I know they happen {they happen most frequently by me}, and I don't dwell on them.

Day 18: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for your and your mate.

For this, I actually made a special breakfast. Or two special breakfasts. It was Dave's birthday weekend and he had been asking me a lot lately to learn how to make Eggs Benedict. So I did. And then the next day, his actual birthday, I made him blueberry pancakes (his favorite).

Day 19: Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love?

Honestly, the hardest part for me is saying nothing negative. I'm not a negative person; I am actually a really, really positive person. I probably annoy people with my positive outlook sometimes. But my husband can be the most annoying person on the planet sometimes and I have a hard time not telling him that. I am working on it. If I don't say negative things about it, perhaps my views will change. Maybe I won't be so irritable. I don't know. But I have definitely been praying about it. Sometimes I feel like God is the only one that can make me bite my tongue.

Day 20: Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart and save me by Your grace."

Day 21: Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day or reading a chapter in the Gospels. As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you.

I actually follow a page on facebooks that shares stories from Proverbs. This one was kind of easy.

The Love Dare: Week Two

So, I sort of fell off the wagon with the Love Dare. After the first week, life got busy {report cards, Christmas and birthday preparations, etc.} and I didn't have time to read the chapters, or even just the dares, each day. But I am determined to do it, and I've now completed week two. I have to say, I may not finish this in 40 days...it may take longer, but I will finish it.

On the days when I couldn't read the book, I still worked hard not to say anything negative to Dave. It's not always possible, but that's why I know I need to work on it. During this time, I also tried to work on changing the three things that he said bothered him most about me. This way, I was still doing something, even though I wasn't doing the dares.

So, here's week two {which actually took a couple of weeks to complete}:

Day 8: To help set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take the list of negative attributes you created yesterday and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success they have recently enjoyed.

Say what? Burn the list?! But...but...okay. Well, I actually tore it up. Burning it would surely cause Dave to question what in the world I was doing, and remember, he doesn't know I'm doing this. So I tore up the list and instead of sharing about a success, I told him that I appreciate the hard work he does to provide for our family.

Day 9: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

I used to work at a home daycare as an assistant, and I always loved that when the husband would come home every day, he would give his wife a kiss. It was the sweetest thing, but really just a small gesture. I think Dave and I used to do this; not necessarily every day, but certainly more often than we do now. Somewhere along the line, we've gotten lazy. So that day, I decided to kiss him and greet him with a smile when he walked in the door. Again, not a huge gesture, but certainly a pleasant way to come home, no?

Day 10: Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse today. Wash their car. Clean the kitchen. Buy their favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. 

Dave is a man who appreciates a neat and tidy home. I am a woman who tends to let things get messy and out of order. On this day, I tidied up the whole house. I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen floor, vacuumed, dusted, did two loads of laundry {including folding - that never happens}, cleaned up all the Christmas decorations, and had dinner almost ready when he got home. I felt like a 1950s housewife, but I was proud to have gotten it all done so that he could relax at night and enjoy his clean home {except for the baby toys of course}.

Day 11: What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or a foot massage? Help with something around the house?

The next day was supposed to be trash day, and Dave is always complaining that he is the only one that handles the trash and recycling. So I made sure I took out the trash and organized the recycle so it would be ready to go the next day. He was pretty surprised and appreciated it. Then he asked if I would clean the litter boxes {a job he inherited when I got pregnant and I never took back}. Nice, Dave. ;)

Day 12: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

I made a dinner that I really don't enjoy for Dave's sake because he loves it.

Day 13: Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement {making rules like "We will not bring up divorce in an argument. We will not fight in public. Etc.}. If your spouse is not ready to do this, then write your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next argument arises.

I just did my own rules. It seems that if I create rules for myself and follow them, then Dave will likely follow suit, even if he doesn't know the rules.

1. Do not bring up old arguments/problems. They are in the past and should stay there.
2. Pick my battles; do not argue unless it is going to actually resolve a problem.
3. Do not yell or give in to anger.
4. Always make sure I am showing my love for him even in an argument.

Day 14: Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so that you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do. Just be together.

This bring us to today. After Leland goes to bed tonight, instead of sitting on my computer, watching TV, or playing with my phone, I will ask Dave to play a video game together. I will even play lame-o Black Ops 2 with him, because that's his favorite, and I will do it with a smile.

The Love Dare: Week One

I started writing this post assuming that everyone reading it has seen the movie Fireproof. Then I realized that a lot of people probably haven't because, while it has a wonderful message, the acting is horrible, and most people probably turned it off/left the theater after the first scene.

Anyway, I won't really summarize the movie because it's irrelevant. But after watching the movie a few years ago, I purchased the book The Love Dare that was in the movie. It's a 40-day challenge for spouses to practice unconditional love. Well, I never actually did the dare. I started it several times, but never went through with the whole thing.

Last week, after an argument with Dave, I decided to try a little experiment: to be nice and positive no matter what and see where that takes our relationship. And it led me to pick the book back up and really do the dare. For real.

So I thought I would share each week's dares here on the ol' blog. Each day, there is a Bible verse and explanation of the verse to read, and then there is a dare to accept. 

Here are the first week's dares (and I should note that Dave doesn't know that I'm doing this):

Day 1: Say nothing negative to your spouse.

Considering how hard this was for me, I was more sure than ever that I needed to practice unconditional love. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I realized how often I spoke negatively to him. Not that he didn't do it to me as well, but I needed to change myself before I can expect him to change. Like I said, it was hard to be completely positive - especially when he made obnoxiously loud noises - but I did it.

Day 2: In addition to saying nothing negative, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness for your spouse.

I rubbed his feet. He was floored.

Day 3: Again, say nothing negative, and also buy your spouse something that tells them you were thinking of them.

I bought him beef jerky and peanut m&m's. Two of his favorites. He was pretty geeked about the jerky.

Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

I actually didn't do this one, because I didn't read the dare until we got home that night. But I think if I did do it, he would be like Why the heck are you calling me in the middle of the day? Shouldn't you be teaching or something?! I did, however, text him the following day just say I love you and to thank him for picking up a couple groceries on his way home.

Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be irritated with you. No attacking or justifying your behavior; this is strictly from their perspective.

Dave could have had a field day with this one. I'm sure there are many more things he could have come up with.

1. I'm crabby. Specifically, everyone around me gets my absolute best even if they don't deserve it, and he gets my absolute worst.

2. I have no sex drive. {Sadly, this is very true. I am so tired and stressed lately that I have no desire to do anything except go to sleep.}

3. I don't care as much as he does about things like organization and planning ahead.

Day 6: Choose to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.

I kind of viewed this as the same as #1, so I didn't do anything extra that day.

Day 7: Get two sheets of paper. On the first one, write out positive things about your spouse. ON the second, write a list of negative things. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. At some point during the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

I made my lists. I thanked Dave for his work ethic/concern for our finances. It is nice to have a husband who really pays attention to our finances. Sure, he goes overboard sometimes, but I'd rather have it this way than have a husband who spends everything we have. And dude works hard.

So there you have it. Week one, done.

The biggest change I have noticed is that I am super aware of the things I say and the way I say them to Dave. I always thought he was the negative one. And, yes, he is negative a lot lately, but he is not alone. Stay tuned for week two.

Eight Years...

Yesterday was our eighth wedding anniversary. Holy cow! EIGHT YEARS!

I have to say that the last year or so of our marriage has been the most difficult. We've had some pretty big things to deal with in the last two years. Pregnancy. Miscarriage. Pregnancy. Preemie baby. Parenting.

I feel like all of the events of the past two years have helped us in some ways, but have definitely tested us in others. We were pretty well settled in our marriage. We had our communication and routines down and we were confident about our relationship. But all of these things have forced us to communicate better. To appreciate each other more. To step outside of our "routines." These are all good things, but hard to do after several years of marriage. It's like we have to re-learn how to communicate and how to be married, you know?

We're still learning to communicate better and make time for each other. Our days are filled with work and stress from our jobs. And our nights are filled with squeezing in as much time as possible with our boy before he goes to bed. Once he's asleep, we're both exhausted. Too tired to talk. Too tired to do anything besides just sit and relax. Which isn't the greatest for building our relationship. It pretty much just keeps things average.

Add to all that, the stress of money {which comes with pregnancy, miscarriage, childbirth, and parenting}, and you get many arguments.

I'd like to say that it's all fixed and everything is perfect, but to be honest, it's not. Some days, it's great; we're both happy and enjoy each other's company. And some days, we argue and say not-nice things. In those moments, I think we both know that laziness is taking over. We're not making time for each other or showing affection because we're too tired to make the effort. Thankfully, in those moments, we both know we love one another, but we just can't show it at that time, for whatever reason.

We have been talking and working on this recently, but it's still not easy. And don't get me wrong, we definitely love each other. We love our life and we are happy together. But that doesn't mean it's easy. Marriage is hard. Or at least it is sometimes.

But in spite of the difficult time we've had recently, I love my husband with all my heart. I love being married to him, and most of all I love seeing him as a father. Leland's face lights up when he sees his daddy, and he has so much fun when they play together, which is pretty awesome to witness.

I am thankful and ecstatic to be celebrating eight years of marriage. I love our life together; it may not always be perfect, but I wouldn't want to spend it with anyone else.

October 9, 2004

September 30, 2012