Fear is a Liar

A little over a week ago, I accepted a kindergarten teaching position in another district. In some ways, this was a crazy, sudden change, and in other ways, it was perfectly timed after years of patience. 

In my nine years at GTA, I have gone back and forth with wanting to leave. It’s not that I was unhappy, but I wasn’t as happy as I knew I could be. Dave gently encouraged me often over the last few years to see what else was out there, but I wasn’t ready. After interviewing in another district several years ago, and not getting the job, I was afraid to try again. And the longer I stayed at GTA, the more comfortable I felt and the harder it became to even imagine leaving. At this point, I'm pretty picky about where I would want to work and where I would send my kids. I didn't have the greatest middle/high school experience in a large district, and I want my kids to graduate from a smaller district with a strong sense of community.

This summer, a few things changed that made me finally decide to try. I applied for a kindergarten position in another district, but my application was well past the deadline (again, because of fear) and I knew I probably wouldn’t get it. I was right. Actually, a friend of mine got that job, and when I heard about it, I was a little jealous. Happy for her, but upset with myself for not trying harder or applying earlier. 

Around that time, another friend told me about a third grade position in her district. Initially, I wasn’t ecstatic about third grade. Not because third grade isn’t amazing - because it totally is! But my brain was in kindergarten and I couldn’t imagine switching to third grade in such a short amount of time. But I decided to not let fear take over yet again, and I applied. 

I didn’t hear anything for a week or two and I assumed I wouldn’t be called. I started setting up my classroom at GTA, ready to start another year. And I was perfectly content. I had the BEST teaching team, FANTASTIC students, and other co-workers who really felt like family. I wasn’t terribly sad to not receive a call, and figured I’d give it a shot next year. 

And then last Tuesday, while I was at a friend’s house for a play date, I got a call from my former principal (I had no idea she was a new principal in the district I had applied) asking if I wanted to interview for the third grade position at Crystal Lake Elementary. Heck yes, I did!

The next two days until my interview, I was incredibly nervous. Nervous to interview, nervous to not get the job, but also nervous to get it as well. One friend told me (because it was my former principal interviewing), “Oh, you’re totally going to get it.” But I knew I wouldn’t get the job just because she liked me. She wanted the best person for the job, and if it wasn't me, I wouldn't get it. And I was thankful for that - I do not ever want to get a job based on who I know. 

For those two days between that phone call and my interview, I prayed. Almost constantly. But I didn’t pray to “get the job.” I prayed for God’s will to be done. I prayed that I could do my best in my interview and if it was God’s plan for me to leave GTA, he would make it known to me. He knows the desires of my family, of my heart, and He knows what’s best for us. 

During my interview, I was still very nervous, but honestly, it’s the same anxiety I get in any social situation. I’m uncomfortable talking about myself, but I left feeling like I did my best and was 100% myself, so if they didn’t choose me, it really was because it wasn’t the best fit.

The next morning, I anxiously awaited the phone call. The longer the morning went on, the more sure I became that I didn’t get it. Then, finally at around 11am, my former principal called and said, “So here’s the thing...” And I was certain in that moment that they chose someone else. 

I won’t lie. My heart sank. I finally felt ready to move on and put myself out there, even though I was afraid, and I was disappointed that now wasn’t the time. But I also knew deep down that God has this all figured out. 

Yes, all of those thoughts filled my head before I even heard her continue. But moments later, she explained that just before my interview, a kindergarten position opened up at Lake Ann Elementary (another school in the same district as Crystal Lake, but much closer to home), and they thought I would be best suited for - and would prefer - that position. I was told that the principal from LAE wanted me to meet with him and the superintendent later that day. 

This time, I wasn't nervous. The principal already knew what I was about, since he sat in on my first interview. He already liked me, and this was just to say basically all the same things to the superintendent. Now, my prayer was that God would give me the wisdom to know whether or not to accept the position if offered. 

The superintendent did ask some of the same questions as the day before, but also asked some "What would you do..." questions. After about 30 minutes, and then salary negotiations, he offered me the position and I accepted.

The next few days were spent packing up my old classroom, setting up my new one (working until 11pm and getting very little sleep), returning/selling uniforms, completing paperwork/background checks/fingerprints, and participating in professional development in my new district..where I actually know a few people!

My classroom (most of it...the rest was in my van) packed up in Dave's trailer. Except for the tires...those are Dave's.

My classroom with all of my stuff AND the previous teacher's stuff. Way too much stuff!

Mostly organized and ready for Tuesday!

And word got around to all corners of social media.

I was equal parts uncomfortable and flattered about being talked about on facebook.
This is new for me. But the sweet comments filled my heart for sure.

Of course, I was excited, but I still had many unanswered questions, such as where would Olivia go to daycare, and what would we do for Alden since LAE doesn't have young 5 like we had planned for him this year. But one thing that was made abundantly clear to me throughout this process is that fear is a liar. For a long time, I was afraid to even try applying for another job. I was afraid to be myself in the interview process. I was afraid to trust God and His plan. When I finally stopped being afraid, everything came together. God's hand was in all of this, in all of the details, so I'm not going to let fear take over now. 

Yesterday, our pastor's son was preaching and he told the story of Peter walking on water. He talked about how Peter had to step down out of a boat - likely pretty far, not just out of a canoe - in the middle of a storm to get to Jesus. He was afraid, but he trusted Jesus and did what no human to this day has ever done. Am I afraid of this transition? A little, yeah. But I'm not going to live in fear.

For this next week, Alden and Olivia will go to Dawn's, our daycare for the last three (or four?) years. It's quite a drive, but I have extra time in the mornings now (my reporting time is an hour later than it was at GTA), and Dave will pick them up. The next week, Olivia will start her new daycare, which is about 5 minutes from my new school. Alden will go with her for that week, and hopefully start preschool at my school the following week. There is a lengthy application process (because it's GSRP), which we're in the middle of, so hopefully he is accepted soon and can start with the rest of the class on September 17. And Leland will be in first grade just down the hall from me. He can't wait! He got a sweet note from his teacher in the mail and he actually knows someone in the other first grade class - so far, he's not nervous at all. He is looking forward to eating in the cafeteria and visiting the school library - two things we didn't have at GTA.

Right now, we're taking this day by day. We're not worrying, not being controlled by fear. I have complete faith that it will all work out the way it is supposed to.

Leaving GTA was insanely hard to do. It was my first teaching job (at the elementary level); essentially, I became a teacher there. I had all three of my babies in my nine years there; I became a mom there! My boys had their first school experiences there. My teaching team the last three years has been absolutely amazing. Some of my best friends are there. And my students and families - my goodness, it was almost impossible to leave them! They have become like family. GTA was comfortable; it was home. But that doesn't mean that's where I was meant to stay. Sometimes we have to leave what's comfortable in order to find where we're supposed to be.

My new position is going to be a great blessing to our family. It is 10 minutes from home (15-20 with daycare drop off), instead of 30 (50 with daycare drop off), and it is an hour shorter work day (I'm happily giving up half-day Fridays for more time with my family the rest of the week). Instead of my day being 7:00-5:45 from the time I leave home to the time I return, it will be about 8:15-4:30. It's a significant salary increase, which we may not see as much of this year due to paying for preschool for Alden, but there is an actual pay scale which gives us security in knowing I will get a raise each year, and how much that will be.

Tomorrow, we officially start our new adventure at Lake Ann Elementary. We are all looking forward to this change, and anxiously awaiting news about preschool. But fearful, we are not. God's got this!

Fear is a liar, and it's running out of breath!

Operation: Do ALL the Christmas Things (part three)

Saturday night, my mom and I took Leland to The Christmas Journey. It's a live tour that tells the story of Jesus' birth. It's put on by a church just outside of Traverse City and it takes roughly 200 volunteers to do it. 

We had to wait for about an hour for our wagon to take us to the tour, but there were fun things to do while we waited. Someone was playing Christmas music on the piano and there were cookies, photo booths, games, and coloring.

We boarded our wagon and the driver offered to let Leland sit up front with him.

Leland always seems to luck out with things like this. The wagon took us over to another building nearby, and inside we did a tour that talked about how God created the world, Moses sharing the Ten Commandments, and more. Then we went outside where we met Mary and Joseph and we were told their story through music.

We followed them to the Roman guards who yelled at everyone to pay their taxes. Leland cracked everyone up by saying "That guy's a grumpy one." We continued to walk through the woods to hear about the star of Bethlehem and saw Baby Jesus in the manger, and then we stopped at a few different places to hear about the meaning of different Christmas symbols, like the star, the candy cane, the Christmas tree, and angels.

It was a really neat experience and I am glad I went. Leland had fun, but I don't think he got a whole lot out of it yet. I would love to take him and Alden when they are older and can understand it better (and maybe don't disrupt the group too much).

Vacation Bible School

Last week, I volunteered for Vacation Bible School at our church. I have never been involved with VBS before, so I really wasn't sure what to expect. But I was excited to join the fun. 

Trying to get a picture with these guys is nearly impossible.

The theme was Big Hero 7 - because God is our hero seven days a week. Leland was so excited to see Baymax and other characters from Big Hero 6. He wanted his picture taken with all of them. 

 

 

The next picture cracks me up. Leland looks like he's flipping the bird. This is one for the high school graduation photo board. 

I thought I was going to be a "helper," but I ended up being a group leader. I had the sweetest group of preschoolers - 15-20 each day. We had tons of fun together and I even had one of my upcoming kindergarteners. 

We started and ended each day with songs. I have been singing these songs ever since. They're so catchy. 

While I was with the preschoolers, Leland and Alden were in the nursery. Leland got to do some activities related to the theme, but it wasn't quite as structured as the older groups. Both boys seemed to have fun. 

As a leader, it was my job to take the kids to the different stations and help with the activities. I was worried at first that I would have to create the activities. Let me tell ya, my brain is not creative in the summer, so I was thankful that I didn't have to actually come up with the activities. 

 

The kids had fun with this activity. They used squirt guns to wash away the word sin, to symbolize how God forgives (washes away) our sins.

 

The group of volunteers. My kids snuck in. Can you spot them?

On the last day, Baymax made an appearance. Leland was excited to see him. Alden admired him from a safe distance. He did give him a high five, but wouldn't get close without me holding him, so no picture. 

Then Friday night, they had family movie night. What else would they play but Big Hero 6? Of course we went and the boys were so excited. There was even popcorn. 

At the end of the movie, there was a drawing for each of the character cutouts that were used to decorate the church all week. When Dave found out that was the giveaway, he whispered to me, "Please not us." And then, Alden's name was called as the winner of Honey Lemon.

Alden didn't understand that he won anything, but Leland did and he made sure to carry it out himself. A couple of other kids offered to trade in case our boys didn't want the girl character, but Leland wanted Honey Lemon. 

So...she now stays in Leland's room, protecting him from the "Bad Guy Yokai" at night. 

(Side note: Did you know the bad guy is known as "Yokai?" Apparently, that's Japanese for a ghost/phantom/bad guy and when Leland has watched videos on YouTube, they always call him Yokai.)

 

We had a great week of VBS! I'm looking forward to next year, when Leland gets to fully participate with the preschool group!



Jesus Love Us

Leland has been asking to go to preschool since he's been potty trained. He hears about it at daycare because his friend Sal is going now that he's potty trained. Technically, Leland could go to preschool now, but I don't think he really knows what preschool is, and I don't think he's quite ready for it yet. In some ways, yes, but in some, no. And he's already going to have two years of preschool, so I don't think we need to rush into it.

So we're not planning on starting preschool quite yet, but I think we found something that will satisfy Leland's desire in the meantime: the preschool room at our church. He's been in the nursery until now. We told Leland that he could start in the preschool room this week, and he talked about it for days. He was so excited to go to "preschool."

When I dropped him off, he walked right in and didn't care that Dave and I were leaving. I thought about him during the service, wondering what he was doing and how it was going. When I picked him up after church, he was enjoying a snack.

He said he had fun and didn't want to leave. And now he's excited to go back next week.

He made this picture, and when we got home, I put it up on the fridge.

Later, while I was prepping dinner, Leland looked at it and said, "Jesus love us." And then my heart exploded and I got all teary. Our church has an amazing youth ministry program and I have always looked forward to my kids being a part of it. This is just the beginning. I can't wait to see what the future holds for my kids at West Side Community Church. I can't wait to see them learn about, know, and love God.

Alden's Dedication

"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life, he will be given to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:26-28

This past Sunday, Dave and I stood up in front of our church and promised to raise Alden in a Godly home. To raise him to know and love the Lord. Our church does infant dedications twice a year, and we were excited to participate. Funny how it doesn't seem like that long ago that Leland was dedicated (at nine months old).

The dedication is a pretty simple service at our church. It's not as formal as an infant baptism. Actually, after the dedication, they did adult baptisms in a big tub in the middle of the church. But the dedication is pretty easy. We signed up for the dedication just a few day before (just like we did with Leland), so not many family members could make it. But we so appreciated those that could come, and I was happy to also see a student and her family as well as a co-worker. 

Here are some pictures that my sister-in-law took. (I wasn't thrilled with how my waistline looked in the photos, but oh well. Someday it will be summer and I can start running again.)

We can't get our kids to look the same direction very often, but I still love this photo.

With Dave's parents

With my brother Jim, his wife Melinda, and their daughters Ella and Madeline

We hadn't been to church in a while before the dedication, but being there reminded me of how much I miss going. It is really hard to get there with both boys, and I worry/feel guilty about leaving them in the daycare during the service. I feel like they spend enough time away from me during the week that I don't want to miss any more time with them than I have to. But I love our church and I'm hoping we'll start to go more regularly again.

My Thoughts on Gay Marriage...

So, everyone is talking about gay marriage on social media sites today. I don't know what the official name for today is, but it's some kind of social awareness about gay marriage rights. I don't often discuss this, but I feel I should share my two cents. So here are my thoughts - take them as they are, my thoughts. I am just one person with my own opinions. What is it people say about opinions? They're like armpits; maybe you think mine stinks, but I don't really care.

A little background information about me. I am Christian. I grew up Catholic, but do not consider myself Catholic anymore; I don't think there is anything "wrong" with Catholicism, but I don't feel like I fit into that specific set of beliefs.

I am also a teacher. In general, most teachers are liberal-minded. I am not. I am very conservative. I tend to vote Republican because I agree with their stance on most issues. Not all, but certainly more than Democrats. Like abortion - call me crazy, but I just think it's wrong no matter what. But that is a whole other post.

That said {me being a conservative Christian}, on the issue of gay marriage, I just don't see why it is an issue at all. I don't know if it's a choice or if people are born that way, and I don't really care. The point is, everyone deserves to be happy. If they are happy with a person of the opposite sex, great. If they are happy with a person of the same sex, great. It really doesn't make a difference to me. I'm pretty sure God just wants us all to enjoy the life He gave us as long as we're not hurting anyone else. And gay marriage doesn't hurt anyone that I can see. I can't see how it hurts anyone else's marriage/relationships/friendships. Just be happy with your life and let others be happy with theirs.

Why does anyone care who anyone else is or is not marrying? Honestly, what difference does it make in anyone else's life? None. My marriage to Dave didn't have an affect on anyone else's life or marriage or relationship, and I don't think it would make any difference if I had married a woman.

And anyway, who am I to say someone else's relationship is wrong? My marriage certainly isn't perfect. I can't think of one that is. From what I understand, most are far from it. So why should I have a say in who someone else marries?

Furthermore, when I think about issues like gay marriage, I think of my son. What if he is gay? Whether it's his choice or whether he feels he was born that way, will I love him less? No. Will I want him to be unhappy? No. Will I want him to hide who he is or feels comfortable as? No. I want him to enjoy life in whatever way he sees fit. If he wants to become a dancer or a minister or a doctor, I don't care. If he is gay or straight or isn't sure or decides to never marry, I am happy as long as he is happy. As long as he is not going around bullying or hurting other people, he is just fine. I would hate for him to ever think that he is not okay or not loved. And the thing is...every gay person, every straight person, every person is someone's son or daughter. They deserve to love and be loved in whichever way they choose.

My point is to just be nice. Try to be a good person and do things to make the world a better place. Enjoy your life because God wants you to. And let others enjoy theirs. I don't know about you, but God did not put me in charge of judging anyone else - He's handling that Himself. Thank goodness!

The Love Dare: Week Five

It's been a while since I posted about the Love Dare. I am still working away at it, but have had a hard time finding time to sit and read it. However, here is week five, which leaves only 5 more days, as it is a 40 day dare.

Day 29: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Say, "I love you," then express love to them in a tangible way.

I prayed for Dave, just as I have been a lot lately. That he can find a way to be calm and enjoy his life, and not let stress get the best of him. That he will trust that things will work out. And I told him I loved him, just as I do every day, and then I did my best to express my love to him so that he would know and feel it.

Day 30: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. 

I guess I can't think of a specific area of division in our marriage. I think that arguments (I don't necessarily mean yelling arguments, just disagreements) divide us at times. I prayed that we would see each other's point of view and not argue for the sake of arguing or trying to be "right."

Day 31: Is there a "leaving" issue that you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today and resolve to make it right.

This chapter had to do with leaving past relationships or other human relationships behind and putting your marriage first. I can't say this chapter really pertains to me, so I guess it was a good read, but no real "dare" here for me.

Day 32: If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your spouse today. Do this in a way that honors what your spouse told you about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.

This dare kind of made me laugh. All Dave needs from me is for me to initiate it. He doesn't care how; just as long as it's not him begging or complaining about it.

Day 33: Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.

I always consider Dave's perspective and respect his opinion. He is one of the most level-headed people I know, and a great decision-maker. I probably don't tell him this though. I told him that I seek his input in many things and always appreciate his helping me see a different perspective.

Day 34: Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today.

This one was kind of hard. It's not that my husband doesn't demonstrate Christian character regularly, but I guess it's not something I look for or notice. But it is something I will look for and commend him for when I see it next time.

Day 35: Find a marriage mentor - someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you.

I have many marriage mentors, but they don't necessarily know it. I have friends who I respect and know they treat their marriage with respect. And I have friends who may not be married, but I do respect their opinion, and I do talk to them about myself and Dave at times. I don't necessarily think I need someone to talk to and coach me about my marriage though. I might ask for advice or opinions from others at times, but this chapter suggested actually telling those people that they are your mentors. I think that puts a bit of a strain on a friendship, you know? I just want to be someone's friend, not their mentor, so some people are my secret mentors. :)

Love Dare: Week Three

If you have read week one and week two of my love dare, I'm sure you're wondering where in the heck week three is! Well, I actually completed week three a long time ago, but every time I sit down to blog about it, I realize the book is in the bedroom and I am too lazy to go get it. True story.

This week was heavy on spiritual growth and relying on God. I don't talk about my faith a lot, but I definitely have a strong faith in God. I firmly believe that He will provide for me; He will get me through the hard times; He will help me finish this love dare that I have started.


Day 15: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her or putting away his laundry. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Sometimes, when Dave talks about his day, I sort of tune him out. I know that's terrible, but I really feel like I can only handle so much complaining about his foreman. However, I know that this isn't helpful to our relationship, and I know he has noticed. I'm sure it doesn't make him feel good that I only give him half of my attention when he's talking. So I made sure that I listened and gave him my full attention when he talked. Have I done this every day since? No, but I'm working on it.

Day 16: Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and your marriage.

Done. I prayed for God to show Dave the positive side of things more often. He tends to get stressed {usually about money} and it takes him over completely. He is, by nature, a fun person, but that doesn't come through when he's focused on the negative. I also prayed for Dave to appreciate me more. I know he does appreciate the things I do, but I think that he just expects them at this point and he doesn't realize how hard I work juggling school, Leland, our marriage, and our home. And finally, I just prayed for Dave and I both to communicate positively and take delight in each other.

Day 17: Determine to guard your mate's secrets and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts with you. Make them feel safe.

This chapter was about making sure your spouse feels safe in the relationship and not like they will be nagged for every single mistake. I, honestly, feel like I already do this. I am not one to judge him or get upset about mistakes. I know they happen {they happen most frequently by me}, and I don't dwell on them.

Day 18: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for your and your mate.

For this, I actually made a special breakfast. Or two special breakfasts. It was Dave's birthday weekend and he had been asking me a lot lately to learn how to make Eggs Benedict. So I did. And then the next day, his actual birthday, I made him blueberry pancakes (his favorite).

Day 19: Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love?

Honestly, the hardest part for me is saying nothing negative. I'm not a negative person; I am actually a really, really positive person. I probably annoy people with my positive outlook sometimes. But my husband can be the most annoying person on the planet sometimes and I have a hard time not telling him that. I am working on it. If I don't say negative things about it, perhaps my views will change. Maybe I won't be so irritable. I don't know. But I have definitely been praying about it. Sometimes I feel like God is the only one that can make me bite my tongue.

Day 20: Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart and save me by Your grace."

Day 21: Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day or reading a chapter in the Gospels. As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you.

I actually follow a page on facebooks that shares stories from Proverbs. This one was kind of easy.