Fear is a Liar

A little over a week ago, I accepted a kindergarten teaching position in another district. In some ways, this was a crazy, sudden change, and in other ways, it was perfectly timed after years of patience. 

In my nine years at GTA, I have gone back and forth with wanting to leave. It’s not that I was unhappy, but I wasn’t as happy as I knew I could be. Dave gently encouraged me often over the last few years to see what else was out there, but I wasn’t ready. After interviewing in another district several years ago, and not getting the job, I was afraid to try again. And the longer I stayed at GTA, the more comfortable I felt and the harder it became to even imagine leaving. At this point, I'm pretty picky about where I would want to work and where I would send my kids. I didn't have the greatest middle/high school experience in a large district, and I want my kids to graduate from a smaller district with a strong sense of community.

This summer, a few things changed that made me finally decide to try. I applied for a kindergarten position in another district, but my application was well past the deadline (again, because of fear) and I knew I probably wouldn’t get it. I was right. Actually, a friend of mine got that job, and when I heard about it, I was a little jealous. Happy for her, but upset with myself for not trying harder or applying earlier. 

Around that time, another friend told me about a third grade position in her district. Initially, I wasn’t ecstatic about third grade. Not because third grade isn’t amazing - because it totally is! But my brain was in kindergarten and I couldn’t imagine switching to third grade in such a short amount of time. But I decided to not let fear take over yet again, and I applied. 

I didn’t hear anything for a week or two and I assumed I wouldn’t be called. I started setting up my classroom at GTA, ready to start another year. And I was perfectly content. I had the BEST teaching team, FANTASTIC students, and other co-workers who really felt like family. I wasn’t terribly sad to not receive a call, and figured I’d give it a shot next year. 

And then last Tuesday, while I was at a friend’s house for a play date, I got a call from my former principal (I had no idea she was a new principal in the district I had applied) asking if I wanted to interview for the third grade position at Crystal Lake Elementary. Heck yes, I did!

The next two days until my interview, I was incredibly nervous. Nervous to interview, nervous to not get the job, but also nervous to get it as well. One friend told me (because it was my former principal interviewing), “Oh, you’re totally going to get it.” But I knew I wouldn’t get the job just because she liked me. She wanted the best person for the job, and if it wasn't me, I wouldn't get it. And I was thankful for that - I do not ever want to get a job based on who I know. 

For those two days between that phone call and my interview, I prayed. Almost constantly. But I didn’t pray to “get the job.” I prayed for God’s will to be done. I prayed that I could do my best in my interview and if it was God’s plan for me to leave GTA, he would make it known to me. He knows the desires of my family, of my heart, and He knows what’s best for us. 

During my interview, I was still very nervous, but honestly, it’s the same anxiety I get in any social situation. I’m uncomfortable talking about myself, but I left feeling like I did my best and was 100% myself, so if they didn’t choose me, it really was because it wasn’t the best fit.

The next morning, I anxiously awaited the phone call. The longer the morning went on, the more sure I became that I didn’t get it. Then, finally at around 11am, my former principal called and said, “So here’s the thing...” And I was certain in that moment that they chose someone else. 

I won’t lie. My heart sank. I finally felt ready to move on and put myself out there, even though I was afraid, and I was disappointed that now wasn’t the time. But I also knew deep down that God has this all figured out. 

Yes, all of those thoughts filled my head before I even heard her continue. But moments later, she explained that just before my interview, a kindergarten position opened up at Lake Ann Elementary (another school in the same district as Crystal Lake, but much closer to home), and they thought I would be best suited for - and would prefer - that position. I was told that the principal from LAE wanted me to meet with him and the superintendent later that day. 

This time, I wasn't nervous. The principal already knew what I was about, since he sat in on my first interview. He already liked me, and this was just to say basically all the same things to the superintendent. Now, my prayer was that God would give me the wisdom to know whether or not to accept the position if offered. 

The superintendent did ask some of the same questions as the day before, but also asked some "What would you do..." questions. After about 30 minutes, and then salary negotiations, he offered me the position and I accepted.

The next few days were spent packing up my old classroom, setting up my new one (working until 11pm and getting very little sleep), returning/selling uniforms, completing paperwork/background checks/fingerprints, and participating in professional development in my new district..where I actually know a few people!

My classroom (most of it...the rest was in my van) packed up in Dave's trailer. Except for the tires...those are Dave's.

My classroom with all of my stuff AND the previous teacher's stuff. Way too much stuff!

Mostly organized and ready for Tuesday!

And word got around to all corners of social media.

I was equal parts uncomfortable and flattered about being talked about on facebook.
This is new for me. But the sweet comments filled my heart for sure.

Of course, I was excited, but I still had many unanswered questions, such as where would Olivia go to daycare, and what would we do for Alden since LAE doesn't have young 5 like we had planned for him this year. But one thing that was made abundantly clear to me throughout this process is that fear is a liar. For a long time, I was afraid to even try applying for another job. I was afraid to be myself in the interview process. I was afraid to trust God and His plan. When I finally stopped being afraid, everything came together. God's hand was in all of this, in all of the details, so I'm not going to let fear take over now. 

Yesterday, our pastor's son was preaching and he told the story of Peter walking on water. He talked about how Peter had to step down out of a boat - likely pretty far, not just out of a canoe - in the middle of a storm to get to Jesus. He was afraid, but he trusted Jesus and did what no human to this day has ever done. Am I afraid of this transition? A little, yeah. But I'm not going to live in fear.

For this next week, Alden and Olivia will go to Dawn's, our daycare for the last three (or four?) years. It's quite a drive, but I have extra time in the mornings now (my reporting time is an hour later than it was at GTA), and Dave will pick them up. The next week, Olivia will start her new daycare, which is about 5 minutes from my new school. Alden will go with her for that week, and hopefully start preschool at my school the following week. There is a lengthy application process (because it's GSRP), which we're in the middle of, so hopefully he is accepted soon and can start with the rest of the class on September 17. And Leland will be in first grade just down the hall from me. He can't wait! He got a sweet note from his teacher in the mail and he actually knows someone in the other first grade class - so far, he's not nervous at all. He is looking forward to eating in the cafeteria and visiting the school library - two things we didn't have at GTA.

Right now, we're taking this day by day. We're not worrying, not being controlled by fear. I have complete faith that it will all work out the way it is supposed to.

Leaving GTA was insanely hard to do. It was my first teaching job (at the elementary level); essentially, I became a teacher there. I had all three of my babies in my nine years there; I became a mom there! My boys had their first school experiences there. My teaching team the last three years has been absolutely amazing. Some of my best friends are there. And my students and families - my goodness, it was almost impossible to leave them! They have become like family. GTA was comfortable; it was home. But that doesn't mean that's where I was meant to stay. Sometimes we have to leave what's comfortable in order to find where we're supposed to be.

My new position is going to be a great blessing to our family. It is 10 minutes from home (15-20 with daycare drop off), instead of 30 (50 with daycare drop off), and it is an hour shorter work day (I'm happily giving up half-day Fridays for more time with my family the rest of the week). Instead of my day being 7:00-5:45 from the time I leave home to the time I return, it will be about 8:15-4:30. It's a significant salary increase, which we may not see as much of this year due to paying for preschool for Alden, but there is an actual pay scale which gives us security in knowing I will get a raise each year, and how much that will be.

Tomorrow, we officially start our new adventure at Lake Ann Elementary. We are all looking forward to this change, and anxiously awaiting news about preschool. But fearful, we are not. God's got this!

Fear is a liar, and it's running out of breath!

Christmas 2015

I have been looking forward to Christmas for months. I'm worse than a kid. I think about it and plan gifts way ahead of time, imagine the magic and fun of the morning, and even have a hard time sleeping the night before. Leland is at a really fun age, where he actually "gets" Christmas now, so he's been counting down with me.

My kids woke up extra early on Christmas morning (like most kids in the world) and they were so excited to see that Santa had come. They had so much fun opening presents. My mom made them an advent calendar where they opened a small toy every day for the last two weeks, so they've been all about presents. I was a little worried that, because of this, they would just tear everything open in just a few minutes and it wouldn't be special. But they really took some time and enjoyed each gift for a few minutes before moving on to the next one, which I loved. Especially since we don't do a whole lot of gifts. Usually four from us, one from Santa, and then stockings. Though this year, they only got three from us - we decided not to give them their sleds yet since we have no snow. It'll be a fun surprise for when the fluffy white stuff arrives.

Christmas Eve jammies

Fun from our Christmas Eve box - new jams, new movie (How the Grinch Stole Christmas), popcorn, and hot cocoa.

They each got a personalized book; "Leland the Little Digger" and "Alden the Talking Tractor." They loved them and insisted on reading them before opening more presents.

They also took the time to check out each other's presents, like Alden's dinosaurs.

They both got some new blocks. Legos for Leland (his first set of regular ones instead of Duplos), and Bristle Blocks for Alden.

Leland got his most desired gift - a Rescue Squad Mater. Santa had his work cut out for him finding that one since they don't make them anymore. But he came through and Leland was a very happy boy.

Stockings! Some stocking stuffers this year: coloring books, Cars diecast characters, bath toys (more Cars characters), toothbrushes, small puzzles, and some candy. While we weren't looking, Alden unwrapped like five Hershey's kisses and started shoveling them in his mouth.

The boys really enjoyed their new toys. Several times throughout the day Leland said, "Mom, I'm so happy," or "I really love this (toy) and I'm so glad I have it." Now, is Christmas all about presents? No. We definitely talk to our kids about the true meaning of Christmas, but I just love how happy my kids were this Christmas. They were truly over the moon excited about their gifts and shared them nicely all day. Dave and Leland spent some time building with Legos together too, which I think is pretty special to both of them (and special for me to witness).

After gifts, we had breakfast and we played with new toys all morning before heading out for Chinese buffet for lunch. It really was a magical Christmas. Oh, how I love my little family.

What a Blessing

I've been wanting to blog about this for nearly a month, but life has been hectic and I just haven't had time. But I do love blogging to journal events in my life, so it's important to me to document it.

A few weeks ago, the first Friday of the school year, I walked my students out to their cars and upon returning to my classroom at 12:30, I noticed a text from my mom. It said that my grandma wasn't doing well and wasn't going to make it through the day. I left immediately and called her on my way to the nursing home. She said my grandma had a stroke and was unresponsive. The doctors and nurses didn't think she would wake up.

I got to her room and my mom, aunt, and cousins were there. We cried. We told stories about Grandma Josie. We held her hand, read her some of her favorite poems, and said our goodbyes. A little while later, my sister came and did the same thing. 

My cousin, Maggie

After I had been there about an hour or so, I got up to use the restroom, and when I came back, Grandmas eyes were open. She was talking a little bit, and we all reassured her that we loved her and that she was the best grandma EVER. 

And then she started talking a little more. She told us to "be safe" and  that she loved us. She told us she had the best life and was so happy and felt so loved. We probably said "I love you" a hundred times or more, and she joked, "How many times can we say 'I love you?'" She cried and was talking the way you would expect someone to talk when they are dying. She was saying goodbye.

My sister and cousin were sitting next to her bed and I was feeling like I needed to be close to her, so I climbed into bed with her. Then my other cousin climbed in too. 

Me, Maggie, Hayley, and Colleen loving on the best grandma EVER

And we all just kept talking. It was amazing. For years, my grandma has had a difficult time communicating. Most of the time, she doesn't make sense, doesn't know what's going on, and she mumbles so much that we can't understand a single word. But she was completely making sense. She was lucid! I haven't talked with my grandma, really talked, in years. And here we were, having a real conversation!

We all wondered what this meant. Was this the "burst of energy" that sometimes happens before someone passes? Or was she okay?

Eventually, she said she was too hot with all the extra bodies in her bed, and she sat up in her bed. 

My mom and Aunt Patty with Grandma

We talked and laughed and it was so much fun. I left to pick up the boys so they could see her and by the time I got back, she was starting to lose her lucidity - not making total sense and her speech was less clear.

My mom talked with the nurses and apparently they've seen this before in another patient with Parkinson's Disease (what my grandma has). The patient had a stroke, was lucid for a few hours, and then went back to the way they were before. Then a few months later, had another stroke, and was lucid for a short time again.

So, for now, Grandma Josie is okay. We don't know how long we have with her, but we never knew that anyway. We just know that it really could be anytime now. We all feel blessed to have those few hours with her. It was truly a gift and we don't take it for granted.

God is good all the time.

Not an Only Child, but I Feel Like One

I don't often write about my family - my parents, brothers, and sisters. There's plenty to tell, and I think most things I could share would be completely entertaining. The dysfunction can be both hilarious and heartbreaking. Something has been tugging at me lately to share some of the dysfunction of the last year or so. Maybe just to get it out there, as a form of therapy, or maybe I feel like it will give some insight into myself. I'm not really sure why, but regardless of the reason, here's a tidbit about my dysfunctional family.

There was a time when I felt really close with my family. I felt like my sisters (real sister, stepsister, and sister-in-law) were my best friends. My younger brother and I weren't incredibly close, but we loved each other. I babysat his daughter (back when he only had one, now he has three) regularly, and we had plenty of laughs when we were together. I had four siblings and I considered them friends.

Then...

On Christmas Day of 2013, my younger brother and his girlfriend (and baby mama of three) told my mom they never wanted to speak to her again. They wanted nothing to do with her ever again because they claimed she abused their daughters. While my mom and I have a bit of strained relationship, I do not believe for a second that she would ever hurt any child. She had a home daycare when I was growing up, spent time with us kids and our friends, babysat my cousins, and worked in a public school for years. She cherishes children, especially her grandchildren, and just would never, EVER harm anyone.

My brother and his girlfriend had no proof, but stuck to their accusation (and still stick to it today). As you can imagine, this has been devastating to my mother. Her youngest child, her baby, cut her out of his and his children's lives, and made horrible accusations. He even involved the police. My mom was interviewed by detectives, as were my sister and I, and she took a polygraph test, and the case was thrown out. Because it's absolutely ludicrous.

Since then, my family has pretty much disbanded. I stopped talking to my brother and his girlfriend because they are clearly insane. After accusing my mom of such craziness, they accused me (publicly on Facebook) of knowing about it and "defending the wicked." They are freaking looney tunes and I can't have that in my life.

My sister stayed in contact with them for a while, and at times went back and forth between whose story she believed, which meant sometimes she talked to me and and sometimes she cut me out. My stepsister stayed close with them and has since stopped talking to me. She and my mom never got along, so I think she was somewhat happy to have someone to hate my mom with. She found an excuse to be angry with me almost a year ago (she was offended that when our school was closed for pertussis, I called it a pertussis holiday) and hasn't let that go. My stepbrother and his wife still talk to me, but we are not as close as we used to be. We used to hang out weekly and now we barely talk. I haven't seen them in months. There is no "bad blood" there, but it's definitely a different relationship.

Two years ago, I had a large family. I had four siblings, four siblings-in-law (or close enough), nine nieces and nephews, fun family events (trick-or-treating together, beach days, Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter, birthday parties, etc.). Now I feel like an only child.

None of my siblings has had a family birthday party in two years. We have not had a family holiday get together. We have barely talked. My mom, as any mother can imagine, has had an incredibly difficult time dealing with all of it. She has reached out to me and my sister to try and regain some of the relationship that was previously lost. Right now, I still find my relationship with my mom difficult, and I really don't know why. Perhaps that will be addressed in a later post. But regardless of our relationship, I am heartbroken for her and what she is going through.

My sister just contacted me about two weeks ago to get together and it went well. I think we may be able to get to a better place like we used to be. And with work (though I don't even know what work), perhaps my mom and I will be close again someday as well.

It's really hard to have four siblings and yet feel like I have no family. I have Dave's family, and I love them dearly, but it's not the same as having the people I grew up with. It's been difficult to say the least. Every day, I thank God for Dave and my sweet boys. I know my family will never be the same - how does any family recover from something like this? But I get to have my own family and they give me hope for a beautiful future, regardless of whether or not I have parents or siblings in my life. My sweet little family of four - they're all I need.

Mini Vacay

Last week, my mother-in-law and I took the boys on a mini vacation to visit Dave's brother, Jon, and his wife and kids. They live in Lansing, which is about three hours away. I was nervous about how they would do on the drive there and back, but they did really well, and we had a nice few days visiting.

On the way down, we stopped to see Dave's grandma. I haven't seen her in a long time, and I don't think she's ever met Alden. We visited and had a little snack, and the boy played with a bunch of things that aren't really toys. It was a nice break in the drive so they weren't stuck for three straight hours.

 We don't have a portable DVD player or an iPad or anything to entertain them on trips like these, and I actually prefer it that way. The boys do well with books, toys, and when they get really restless, we give them an applesauce pouch or some crackers and they're just fine.

Once we got to Jon and Danielle's, we spent a lot of time hanging out at their house - chatting and watching the kids play. 

Leland and Kennedi. So cute.

The first night, we took a walk to get ice cream and to see a cute little island park on the Grand River.

Uncle Jon giving Leland a ride on his shoulders.

Sweet girl.

Ha ha...Danielle can't take a serious picture. Funny, since she's a photographer. :)

Cute cousins.

The next day, Danielle brought the girls to our hotel to swim. And then we played more at their house.

Leland loved Kennedi's Jeep. It's his favorite color.

Danielle offered to get some pictures of the boys in her studio. They cooperated for approximately 12 seconds.

We visited a great park nearby too. It was huge and so pretty.

Leland and Kennedi are going down the slide here.

The next day, on our way to Jon and Danielle's, we stopped at a fire station just to look, and one of the firefighters showed the boys around, let them sit in the trucks, and gave them firefighter hats.

Excuse Alden's hand. I barely notice him doing that anymore.

And then we played some more with Kennedi and Elli, and then we had to leave. Our trip was very laid back and I'm so glad because we were able to just hang out together. My boys aren't great hotel sleepers, and Leland didn't nap during our trip, so if we had planned big outings, I'm not sure they would have gone very well. I wish we could make this a weekly event.

The ride back went just as smooth as the ride there. We got stuck in construction traffic, and didn't end up stopping anywhere for the boys to get out, and they still did great. Alden slept for about half of it, which was nice.

But, of course, I have to share a picture of what it looks like when I take my kids to a hotel. The first night, Leland slept with my mother-in-law, and Alden slept with me. The next night, Alden slept in the pack-n-play and Leland slept with me. But at about 6:30am, Alden joined Leland and me, and we looked like this.

Hopefully, we can make it down for another visit before too long. It's hard living so far away from these cool people.

Mother's Day 2015

Every year for Mother's Day, I ask for the same thing. A whole weekend with my people, just doing what we like to do. This year was no different, even though we didn't always do things we love doing.

Saturday we went to the library. Leland has been introduced to Pete the Cat books at school, and has been asking for us to get some. So our goal was to get some (except there was only one available) and just hang out for a bit. Both boys love the library, and Alden surprised us with a new word. He kept saying, "book, book, book," over and over. I was able to get one on video.

Then we played on the train outside for a few minutes.

After that, Leland got a haircut, and we ran a few errands. Not incredibly exciting, but I enjoyed our simple family time.

Then Sunday, we intended to go to church and then to our niece's first birthday party. Buuuut Leland woke up with goopy eyes, and I knew that his friend from school had pink eye, so we made a trip to the doctor instead. One of the doctors at our children's clinic bought roses for all the mamas at the office that day. What a sweet gesture. I just love him.

Turns out, Leland did indeed have pink eye, as well as an ear infection. He hasn't had an ear infection in almost two years, since he got his tubes. He never complained once about his eyes or his ear, but since pink eye is so contagious, we stayed home the rest of the day, and Dave went to the birthday party with his mom. Leland read me his book from memory and we took a nice afternoon nap together. 

And after naps, we watched some Mighty Machines videos that we got from the library.

Even with the trip to the doctor, this weekend was perfect. A simple, but fun weekend with my people: the boys who call me mama and my baby daddy.

Valentine's Day 2015

For my kiddos, Valentine's Day is like a mini Christmas. I like to get them little gifts and treats. Nothing huge or expensive or fancy, just some fun little things that they I know they will enjoy. Something to make them feel special. It's our tradition.

This year, Leland got a cement mixer, Windlifter (from Planes: Fire and Rescue), two books, some fruit strips, and Hershey's kisses.

And Alden got a dump truck, an excavator, two books, and fruit strips.

They had fun checking out their goodies when they woke up. Surprisingly, Leland didn't even ask for the fruit strips or chocolate. He's usually all about the food, just like his mama.

Later, we braved some nasty weather to visit my Grandma. I'm glad we went, but I had no idea the roads were as bad as they were. Usually I think people are just being wimps. Ha ha.

We spent the rest of the day just hanging out and reading our new books.

For their valentines, Leland gave Cars cards with fruit strips, and Alden gave puppy and kitten cards with fruit snacks. I gave their leftover cards with cookies and chocolates.

And we gave a new book and puzzle to our daycare friends (and chocolate for Julie).

Dave and I don't usually do anything for each other. I'm not really sure why, but we've never made a big deal about it. But this year, I got Dave some of his favorite treats: m&m's, Mike & Ike candies, and lots of turkey jerky. And Dave got me the new mixer I wanted (not the Kitchenaid stand mixer, but a hand mixer I've been eyeing). My hand mixer broke almost two months ago and I hadn't replaced it. He also got me some Larabars that I can have on my whole30, and a giant Reese's candy bar that is now sitting in the freezer until March 17.

It was a lovely Valentine's Day spent with my most favorite people. The people who have my whole heart.