This Old Chair

It’s funny how much sentimental value this old, brown suede chair has. Dave and I brought it home from a clearance furniture store nearly 10 years ago, around Thanksgiving. It was our first piece of nursery furniture. I wanted a comfortable chair for midnight nursing sessions and found this bargain for $88. 

It held me while I wept those nights after I was released from the hospital and Leland was still in the NICU. The room was empty because his crib and other furniture had not yet arrived, and I sat in it, exhausted and sobbing and praying, when I got up to pump every 2-3 hours for days until he came home. 

Then Leland came home, and it was our quiet spot while we figured out nursing together. Even when we were home alone, I often came here to nurse because it was comfortable. When Alden came around, it was our quiet refuge from a loud big brother and daddy playing. When Olivia joined us, we attempted to use it as our quiet space, but the boys just followed us. They never wanted to be far from their sister. It has seen roughly 53 months of nursing/pumping. 

Alden

My view while rocking Olivia

I’ve spent countless hours sleeping and rocking in it while comforting sick babies. Sleeping upright to help with their coughs. Rocking them until their fever broke. Sleeping by myself in it to listen to their breathing in case we needed to go to the hospital. Rocking them after bad dreams.

So many nights spent like this.

Sleeping in the rocker with a sick baby

I took all of their monthly photos in this chair, with the same bear for size comparison. Thirty-six months of photos in this chair. 

Olivia

Alden

Leland

Sometimes we just snuggle in it. 

Leland, Alden, Kennedi, and Elli

It’s been a favorite reading spot for all three of my babies. Sometimes they pile on my lap to read. Sometimes one at a time. Sometimes they read by themselves in it. Sometimes they read to each other.

Lately, it’s mostly held Olivia’s giant Minnie Mouse. 

But last night, it had another night of rocking.  During a middle-of-the-night tantrum about wanting to sleep in our bed, Olivia started thrashing around on the floor and ended up hitting her eye on her bed post. It bled a little and she was scared. So we rocked. She laid across my lap, feet hanging off the side because she’s so long now, wrapped up in a blanket, and she slowly drifted to sleep in my arms. I held her for a while because even though I was tired and my bed sounded so nice, there is nothing better than your baby sleeping in your arms. Even when that baby is four years old (inching so close to five 😭) and her whole body doesn’t fit anymore. I held her until she woke up complaining that she was too sweaty and said she was ready for her bed again.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt sentimental about furniture, except our crib. But this chair holds the stories of my babies and I don’t think I considered that for one second when I was buying this $88 bargain. 

Bye Bye, Pump!

Big news for this mama! As of last week, I am no longer attached to this thing.

Yes, I was still pumping after 14 months. But now that Alden is only taking one bottle a day at daycare and not nursing so much at night, I don't need to pump anymore.

I'm still nursing before bed & nap, and once in the middle of the night usually. But no more pumping.

So...see ya later, pump. It's been real.

How to Get Baby Milk - A School Story

Every day at lunch, I leave my classroom and my team teacher watches my class so I can pump. When I come back, I always take care of the milk and wash my pump parts while the kids finish cleaning up from lunch.

My students often ask me where I go during lunch, and I have always given very simple answers. I tell them I go to get Alden's milk. They ask me where, I tell them the principal's office (that's where I pump). It usually doesn't require very many simple, vague answers to satisfy them.

Today, one of my students was asking me lots and lots of questions. After the above questions were already asked and answered, the conversation continued...

Student: Can't you just fill a big container with milk and take it home so you don't have to get it every day?

Me: No, there's not enough for a bigger container.

Student: Why can't you just buy it at the store?

Me: It's not regular milk. It's baby milk.

Student: I don't get it. And what is that for? (pointing to my pump parts)

Me: It's how I get the milk.

Student: I still don't get it.


At this point I decided my vague answers weren't going to cut it.


Me: Honey, where do baby cows get their milk?

Student: From their moms.

Me: And baby pigs?

Student: From their moms.

Me: And...baby goats?

Student: From their mom.

Me: (just looked at her for a minute, watching the wheels turning in her head)

Student: OH! Oooohhhh. Okay, that's just weird.


Ha ha ha. She was totally weirded out. I asked her not to talk about it with other students and she happily obliged. I think she would really like to forget all about it. That'll teach her to ask so many questions. Ha!

How I Almost Died This Weekend

So, this weekend I started having some really bad pain...in the upper feminine region related to nursing. It felt like the early days of nursing and it was AWFUL!

I texted a friend of mine to see if she had ever experienced this after 8 months of successful nursing. Her response was:

"Yes...when I was pregnant with Elliott and didn't know it." (She has three boys - her first two are 22 months apart like mine, and she found out she was pregnant again when her younger one was 8 months old, like Alden is now.)

My response: "I'm going to die. Right now."

I was immediately terrified and thought I was going to have a heart attack. Then I told Dave what my friend said, and he said, "I'm not listening." Then later said, "If you're pregnant right now, I'm getting a vasectomy." Ummm...yes. Yes, you are. And I'm getting my tubes tied ASAP.

Well, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Thank the Lord.

Do I want a third child? Yes. Do I want three kids age three and under? No. We are hoping to have about three years between Alden and our last baby. I am not ready to be pregnant again yet; the mere thought of being pregnant (and exhausted more than I already am) is terrifying to me. Perhaps if Alden ever slept I would feel different. But for right now, our hands are about full as they can get. And our checking account is about as low as it can get while still having a little extra money here and there. So we are not planning on a third anytime soon. However, we weren't planning on Alden either, and now I can't imagine my life without him. So I guess if it was God's plan, we would figure it out and eventually embrace it. But, man, would it be scary at first!

Thankfully, I have friends in high places. My dear friend's mom is a lactation consultant and my mother-in-law works in a pharmacy, so I was able to get a prescription and have it filled quickly on a Sunday evening. So all is well now and the pain is getting less and less. But I seriously almost died this weekend.

If I Had a Million Dollars

If I were a millionaire, one thing I would love to do is just go around giving people money. Or giving gifts of things people need.

I would love to go up to some of my school families and give them all brand new shoes, money for groceries, or a dependable car. 

In my life, I have been blessed to always have enough, and in many ways, more than enough. We're not wealthy, but we can pay our bills and still afford to go out to eat or buy something on our "want" list. It hurts my heart to see people not have enough, or to just barely have enough. I would love to just go around giving people things they want or need. But...I'm not a millionaire. Right now, we don't have much "extra" either.

But one area where I find I have plenty is the breastmilk department. I may not be blessed with a huge bank account, but I am blessed with the ability to make lots and lots of milk.

So last week, I was happy to be able to help a mom in my area feed her newborn baby. I was contacted to see if I could donate to this baby who was allergic to formula and her mom wasn't producing enough milk yet. The baby was admitted to the hospital because of this and was not gaining weight.

I was asked for a small amount at first, and then was contacted again to see if I could give more. In total, I was able to donate about 75oz of breastmilk.

After donating about 75 oz, I still have two containers like this in my freezer.

I was so happy to be able to help. And, really, it helped me as well. With summer coming, I won't be needing as much frozen milk because I'll be nursing most of the time. The frozen milk I donated would likely have gone bad before we could use it. The mother gave me a card saying thank you you and said that her daughter reached her birthweight. 

I am happy that I have been blessed with more than enough breastmilk so that I could help someone in need. I still have a decent stockpile in my freezer. I'm not sure I would be able to donate much more because I will need what I have, but at least I could help one person.

I still wouldn't mind a few million dollars though. Just sayin'.

Lazy Mama...

When Leland was a baby, because he was in the NICU, he was on a bottle from day one. He took a bottle better than nursing at first, and after a few weeks, he could go from breast to bottle without any issues. I never had to transition him to a bottle.

With Alden, I wanted to introduce him to a bottle fairly early because I didn't want him to have any issues with it. When he was about a month old, I gave him a bottle for the first time, and he took it so well. He sucked it right down and slept great after - no gas, no spit up, no problem. Well, this actually worried me a little, because at that time, we were having some nursing issues. I had a problem with oversupply which caused some difficulty for Alden when nursing. I was thrilled that he took the bottle so well, but I worried that he would like the bottle better than nursing.

I have several friends who have exclusively pumped for their babies. Some prefer it over nursing, and some never could get a good latch, and some use a mixture of formula with breast milk. Pumping just works better for them.

Personally, I prefer nursing. One reason is just the connection I feel to my baby when nursing. I enjoy it more than bottle feeding. But the other BIG reason is complete and utter laziness on my part. I hated giving Leland bottles. I hated waiting for them to warm up. I hated washing them. I hated having to pump so often. I hated having to wash all my pump parts. It was just a big pain in the butt to me. It's so much easier to just whip out a boob and feed him; nothing to prepare, nothing to wash.

So when Alden seemed to take the bottle better than nursing, I worried that he would wean himself from nursing. Out of fear, I didn't give him another bottle for a month. He took it okay, so I figured we'd be good when it was time for him to go to daycare and I wouldn't need to give him bottles at home any more before then {more laziness on my part}.

Well, Alden's first day at daycare was pretty rough. He wouldn't take his bottles, so after work, I made a quick Target run to try a different brand of bottles. That seemed to do the trick. Alden took his bottles much better the second day.

But Alden's daycare schedule hasn't been very regular yet. Between snow days, sick days, and weekends, he hasn't had bottles very consistently. Because of my laziness about giving bottles on the weekends, he's having a hard time with them again. So now I am forcing myself to give him at least one bottle a day on the weekends. It's no fun for me because it means more work in my eyes, but he needs to stay familiar with taking a bottle, so it's something I need to do.

Today, we actually have him two bottles. We tried one this morning and he only took about 1.5 oz. I tried again tonight and he sucked down 3 oz. like it was nothing and still wanted more. I'm hoping he continues that way so that his days at daycare will be a little easier. And maybe once he takes his bottles better {consistently}, I can go back to being lazy about them.

Too Much Milk...

When I was first breasfeeding Leland, I worried about my milk supply because he was a preemie and didn't taking to nursing right away. I pumped after every.single.feeding for a good month, mostly out of fear that I wouldn't produce. But once he got the hang of it, I became a major milk producer. I had plenty for him, and plenty leftover to pump. Our freezer was full of milk.

When Alden was born, I did not worry about my supply at all. I didn't pump at first and I didn't want to pump. I started pumping once a day when he was a week old to relieve my "fullness." A few days later, I added another pumping session. I was pumping 10 oz. within five minutes. It was insane. Since then, I've been pumping twice a day if I feel that fullness.

I thought everything was going pretty well, so when Alden turned one month old, I tried a bottle for the first time. He sucked the thing down and slept for three hours. Pretty cool, right?

Sort of.

When he was drinking his bottle, I noticed that he was drinking it much easier than he nurses. No gagging or gurgling. No choking or coughing. No giant belch. And no spit-up after. NONE!

I realized that perhaps my milk comes out too fast for Alden. So I checked with my friend google about what the problem could be and what I could do, and here's what I found.

One website had this checklist to see if you have "forceful letdown" or "oversupply":

• gagging, choking, gulping etc. when nursing? Check
• baby pulls off breast when nursing? Check
• baby makes clicking sound when nursing? Check (not now, but in the beginning)
• baby spits up very often and tends to be very gassy? Check
• baby wants to nurse frequently? Check
• short nursing sessions {10 minutes or less}? Check
• heavy, wet diapers? Check

It looks like I have an issue with oversupply. I make too damn much milk. Not the worst problem to have, but a pain in the boob nonetheless.

So, how do I fix it? I have to make my boobs realize that we don't need that much milk. Which means...no pumping {or if I do, it needs to be for only about 30 seconds to relieve pressure and prevent mastitis}, and block feeding {nursing on one side several times in a row to make the other side realize it has made too much milk}. Oh, and ice packs. Man, it's cold, but it's supposed to help.

Beyond that, I think I'm going to have my thyroid levels checked, because that can be another cause for oversupply. And my oversupply is, like, WAY oversupply. I know my mom has some issues with her thyroid, so it can't hurt to get mine checked.

It's been two days of no pumping, and while my boobs are not as rock hard as they were the first day, they are uncomfortable. Sometimes, when Alden nurses on one side, I let the other side drip into a towel to relieve myself. It helps a little, and doesn't require any stimulation, so it's not signaling my body to make more. 

So far, it's working a little bit. Of course, I would prefer more immediate results, but that's not going to happen, so I'm just thankful for small gains {or losses, really}. Alden is already nursing a little better and spitting up less. Hoping it continues and I won't have porn star-like boobs much longer.

Also, I've decided not to give Alden any more bottles for now. Since I know he takes them just fine, I'm going to wait a few weeks before giving them to him again. I don't want him to prefer the bottle over nursing.

Breastfeeding, 8 months in...

When we started out breastfeeding, it was HARD! I was pumping after every feeding, and was worried about my supply staying up. Feedings took about an hour {nursing for 30 minutes, then a bottle of expressed milk, and then pumping}. I got blisters and cried out in pain every time he latched on, which sometimes was a few times per feeding. It took a lot of work to get Leland to nurse well, without needing a bottle at each feeding.

When I say a while, I guess I just mean that it took longer than a lot of people, and at the time, it seemed like it lasted forever. In reality, it probably only took a month to six weeks to get Leland to nurse for his entire feeding and not need a bottle. And the blisters didn't last too long, thanks to Magic Nipple Cream {if you're nursing or planning to in the future, remember to ask your doctor to prescribe Magic Nipple Cream...best stuff ever!}.

As for the pumping after every feeding, I kept that up for a long time. I wanted to make sure I had lots of milk stored in the freezer. Then when I did, I was worried that if I stopped pumping so much, my milk supply would go down too much. I had major anxiety about that, and I'm not really sure why. Honestly, my milk supply has never been an issue. I've been told by lactation consultations that I could have been a milk maid in the old days. Ha...I guess I'm lucky in that area.

Now, eight months in, breastfeeding is a breeze. My supply is still great. Leland nurses when he wakes up in the morning, after dinner, before bed, and once in the early morning {around 4:00am}. On the weekends, I nurse him more, because he prefers it over bottles. The kid loves the boob! He would take it all day long.

I pump once or twice a day now; whenever I feel full or when I know it will be a while before Leland nurses again {usually once at school and once before I go to bed}. I pump about 15 oz. a day, and I usually use 8 oz. for a bottle and cereal, and freeze the rest. I've been pumping less lately because I don't need to freeze so much anymore. I still have a stockpile of milk that I'm sure will last past Leland's first birthday, but I don't like feeling SO full, so I continue to pump. And I do still worry about losing my supply. This year at school, the only time I will able to pump every day is at 9:00am. I worry about my supply, since it will be at least 8 hours between then and when Leland will nurse next, but I don't have much of a choice this year. But you know, I go 7 hours between when I go to bed at night and he wakes up to nurse, so I'm sure it will be fine. I just get a little paranoid sometimes.

I am so thankful that I stuck with breastfeeding through all of the difficulties in the beginning. My initial goal was to make it to one year, and now I think I may go beyond that if I can, even if it's just at bed time. I love breastfeeding {pumping, not so much, but I'm thankful for the ability to do it}. It was hard in the beginning, but so worth it. And now it's the easiest thing ever.

Whatchya Doin'?

Before I went back to work, one thing that I was a little nervous about was pumping at school. I was worried I wouldn't be able to do it enough during the day {I'm at school from about 7:45-4:30, so I was hoping to pump three times a day}. I was also a little nervous about my students asking me a bunch of questions like what the bag {my pump} was for and what was I doing in the bathroom for so long. I really didn't want to talk about anything having to do with my boobs with my students.

The first worry has not been an issue. My class has Spanish at 8:40, so I can pump then. And my school has a parapro come watch my class at lunch {12:00} so I can pump. And then I pump after the students leave for the day at around 4:00.

The second one hasn't been a big deal either, surprisingly. I decided that when students ask me questions, I will give them simple, straightforward answers, just enough to answer their questions. And if the questions get a little too in-depth, I will tell their parents and they can have that discussion at home.

When I come back to my classroom after Spanish, I put the milk in my mini-fridge. A few students have asked what it is for and I just simply say, "It's milk for Leland." They have wondered why I have it at school, and I explain that he needs it for daycare. Simple enough answer.

One student asked me what is in my bag and I told her it's stuff for Leland's milk. She asked what kind of stuff, so I showed her bottles and the little cooler. That was enough of an answer for her.

One student asked me where I go during lunch everyday. I said, "I have to get Leland's milk." And she said, "Do you have to leave the school to get it?" I said no, and that was all she needed.

So far, it hasn't been too difficult to answer their questions. Most just see me leave and all they really care about is that I'm coming back in 15 minutes. Hopefully it stays this easy.

Determination and Desperation...

Okay, boys and girls, raise your hand if you know what this is?

When I first came across this little doo-hickey, I wasn't quite sure, but I used my awesome reasoning skills to figure out that it's a contraption used to manually pump breastmilk. It came with my breast pump. My electric breast pump.

You just attach it to the pump accessories and go town (ummm...figuratively speaking, of course).

Once I figured out what it was, I was incredibly confused. My electric breast pump plugs into the wall, and also has an option to use it with batteries. So why in the world would anyone want to manually pump?

Well, last night I found the answer. A woman would have the desire to manually pump when the power goes out at 2:00am, her baby needs to eat at 2:30 and she needs to pump after. Oh yeah, and she doesn't happen to have eight AA batteries laying around to use the battery option.

Yes, that's right folks. I was forced to had the pleasure of manually pumping last night when our power went out. If this had happened a week ago, I probably would have just skipped pumping that time, but last week I started pumping after only every other feeding. So when Leland was finished nursing, it had been nearly eight hours since I last pumped. I needed to pump because I was still pretty full and didn't want to leak everywhere. Well, that, and the fact that I don't like to go more than that, because I'm a freak and I'm still terrified of messing up my supply.

So, manually pumping by the glow of a flashlight in the middle of the night. How exciting is my life?

Update on Breastfeeding...

I wrote a post recently about how breastfeeding was difficult for me, with Leland being a preemie. Well, it's definitely getting easier, so I thought I would update.

Before, I had to limit Leland's time nursing to 30 minutes (to help him conserve energy so he could gain weight), and then I was giving him 70cc (just over 2 ounces) of breastmilk in a bottle. And THEN I had to pump, which took about fifteen minutes. And he was supposed to eat every three hours. Basically, each feeding session took about an hour and fifteen minutes, which was EXHAUSTING. Worth it, but exhausting.

Well, I was given the go-ahead to start lessening the amount in Leland's bottles to 50cc and to allow him to go four hours between feedings if he could. But I still needed to limit his nursing to 30 minutes. So I did, and Leland started nursing better, due to waking up on his own to eat and eating less from a bottle.

Then this week, my Healthy Futures nurse said I could lessen his bottles even more to 30cc (1 ounce) since he's gaining weight just fine and this would encourage him to nurse better. Also, she said I didn't have to limit his nursing anymore. Since this change, Leland is nursing much more vigorously for 25-40 minutes. He then takes his 1 oz. bottle. However, I think he would probably be fine without the bottle, so at his well-check this week, I am going to ask his pediatrician if I can eliminate the bottle.

In my other post, I also mentioned my frustration with pumping. Not only is pumping somewhat annoying and time consuming, I was also concerned about my milk supply. Since changing our routine, I am getting nearly twice as much milk when I pump than I was before! And since he's taking less in the bottle, I have that much more to save. On average, I've been able to freeze about 12 ounces a day. It's also taking less time to pump.

I took a minute to actually look at the milk in my freezer, and discovered I don't think I need to worry about my milk supply anymore...

...That's over 50 bags of milk and each bag contains 6 ounces!

I have been told I can start to eliminate some pumping sessions, but I haven't yet. I want to wait until Leland is nursing without needing a bottle.

It looks like my hard work of pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock is paying off. I am so glad I stuck to that schedule.

So, basically, breastfeeding is no longer difficult for me and my little man. And while pumping is still not my favorite thing, it's MUCH better than it was.

Breastfeeding a Preemie is HARD...

I have always planned to breastfeed my baby. I looked forward to nursing and providing all of the nourishment my little one would need all by myself. I read books about it. I talked to friends about it. I knew how this thing would go, and I was ready. I was sure that I would have this over-abundance of milk like my sister did.

Then I had a preemie. I wasn't able to hold my baby right after he was born. I wasn't able to hold him skin-to-skin (which helps stimulate milk production) until he was fourteen hours hold. And I wasn't able to put him to breast (which helps encourage him to nurse and again helps with milk production) until he was over 30 hours old.

Instead, I was given a pump and told to pump every three hours. I was given a chart to keep track of how much I was able to pump, and the chart said to pump every two to three hours for 10-15 minutes. Being the over-achiever that I am, and being so committed to breastfeeding, I pumped every two hours round the clock for at least 15 minutes, but sometimes more. I set the alarm on my phone to wake me up and I pumped and pumped until there was nothing left to pump.

And then I was put on a strict time limit. I could only try to nurse for 15 minutes and then he had to take a bottle or use his feeding tube. I understand the reason for all of these rules, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with any of it.

Now that my sweet boy is home, I am still pumping like crazy. I pump immediately after I nurse, which is difficult to do when your baby wants to be held. I would love to just relax and snuggle my baby after he eats, but I have to pump. I definitely get more milk - way more - when I pump right after nursing or snuggling him. Pumping sucks. It's boring (because you can't do anything else while you're pumping), and it's ridiculously time consuming. It takes 15-20 minutes, times 8-ish times a day...that's a lot of time holding two suction cups to your boobs.

I have watched videos and researched online how to improve my milk supply. I have talked with lactation consultants. I drink lots of water. I eat oatmeal (and I hate oatmeal). And sometimes I get a lot when I pump. Sometimes I get 120cc (which is about 4 oz). Then sometimes I get 30cc (which is about 1 oz.). There is no consistency, but I'm making enough for his bottles each day and sometimes I make enough to freeze for later.

I am thrilled with this. But I am afraid that when he starts eating more, I won't have enough. The hospital sent me home with some formula "just in case" and I really don't want to use it. Not that there is anything wrong with using formula; I understand that some people choose to use it and some people are unable to nurse and have to use it. It's great it either of those cases. I was just really hoping to solely breastfeed for his first year.

I have been talking with a lactation consultant, who is actually my Healthy Futures counselor (not sure if counselor is the right word, but whatever). She has assured me that my production is good and will increase as he eats more. However, she also said that it will take continuous effort on my part. It is possible to have a good milk supply and solely breastfeed him, but it will not be without hard work.

I'm not trying to complain or be negative. I am simply being honest. I feel like so many people are not honest with how hard certain aspects of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, and I don't want to be one of those people.

Here's my point of this post: breastfeeding isn't easy, but so worth it. I am so thankful I have been as successful as I have been.

And my other point: pumping sucks. Big time. Hate it. A lot.