Six weeks ago, my husband died. That's not very long, but it feels like years, and each day he feels further and further away. I'm struggling with high anxiety, which is really uncomfortable for someone who usually doesn't have strong anxious feelings. I would say I'm handling it okay, thanks to a lot of self-talk, and not in danger of losing control or anything, but physiologically, my body is feeling very tense and anxious.
Writing has long been a form of therapy for me. Sometimes here on my blog, and sometimes kept to myself. A lot of my writing therapy lately has taken place in a journal; however, this one feels like it should be here.
He died on Tuesday, November 2, after four weeks in the hospital. I was off work for those four weeks and haven't been back to work yet (I did work half days for one week when we thought he was improving). Tomorrow, I will return to the classroom.
The teacher side of me has been ready to be back for a while. I miss my students and just being where my own kids are during the day. Plus, I think my body needs routine again and a reason to get out of bed besides just feeding my kids.
However, the mom/other side of me is anxious about going back. It means I'm officially a single, full-time working mom having to juggle it all on my own. And in a time of year that is very busy - two of my kids and several other family members have birthdays in December. It's a joyful busy, but it's a lot for me this year when I'm grieving and anxious and now returning to work.
I know I have a village of supporters, and so many willing helpers, but it's not the same as having my husband here to help manage life. The dinner grind, the bed times, the laundry, the dishes, the appointments, the after-school activities, the sick days/quarantines, the discipline, the therapies for ALL of us, the groceries- they all fall on me. And I can manage those things pretty easily when I'm not working. But to add working full time, and especially teaching, which requires so much work outside of school hours, is a lot. I know I CAN do it, but it's not ideal, that's for sure.
I had several people ask why I don't just stay home through Christmas break, and the truth is, for my own peace of mind over Christmas break, I have to go back earlier. I know I won't go in to school over break. Every year, I tell myself I will, and I never do; this year won't be any different. In previous years, I've had Dave here to cover the kids so I can work in my classroom, but I didn't go - because I want to enjoy the time with my family. So I need those days before break to be ready for after break, if that makes sense. I learned after returning from my maternity leave with Alden to never come back just a few days before a break. It is chaotic and there is no time to prepare for after the break. And I learned after my maternity leave with Leland to not come back on a Monday. It's just too much mentally. The first couple days I felt lost and a whole week was too much. It's better, in my opinion, to ease into it. So I will be back three days this week, and three days (well, 2.5) next week to ease back into things and prepare for the new year.
I'm trying to take it easy on myself and allow some time to adjust. I am so looking forward to seeing my kinder babies again and getting reacquainted, and this time of year is so much fun. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't overwhelmed. I keep reminding myself of the advice I tell my students every single day: I can do hard things. It's hard and may feel impossible, but I CAN do hard things.
